Riverdale has kind of taken over the world, but it seems like as the seasons go on, people seem to hate it more and more. With a cute cast based off some well-loved comic books, surely it can’t be that bad. I decided to watch the first episode and find out for myself. Here are 68 thoughts I had while watching Riverdale for the first time:
- Is that Cole Sprouse?
- Wow, I love spooky red-heads.
- Wow, the spooky red-heads are kind of creepy.
- Okay, Cole Sprouse is really sweet.
- God, it’s the first episode and it’s already so dramatic.
- Why does this feel like Gossip Girl?
- Okay, wow, this new girl kind of sucks already.
- Is looking through the window at people getting changed cool now?
- Wait, how old are these people?
- I love teen-angst.
- Wait, what’s that movie where the dude can’t sing because he plays sport?
- POOR BETTY.
- Yeah, I don’t like this new girl.
- I love literary references.
- Wait! It’s High School Musical. So far, this is High School Musical, without the musical.
- How is Betty’s room so big?
- Yeah, that mum sucks.
- It’s Zack from 13 Reasons Why!
- God, jock-dudes suck.
- “Did you tap some cougar arse this summer?” is the worst line of dialogue I’ve ever heard coming from a fictional 16/17-year-old.
- Okay, I Googled it. They’re supposed to be 15 or 16. Oh my God. I’m embarrassed for them.
- Did she just ask if there are any night clubs? She’s just a baby. What. Are. You. Doing?
- Are we cool with the “you’re gay so we must be best friends” thing? Ughhh.
- Veronica sucks.
- I think this is just High School Musical.
- “Justin Gingerlake” is the best thing I’ve heard in this show.
- Okay, teacher/student relationships need to stop.
- YEAH, THEY REALLY NEED TO STOP.
- HE IS 15, MISS GRUNDY. 15.
- I get that they look the same age, but I’m still really
- How am I only 15 minutes in?
- Veronica really thinks she’s cooler than these guys.
- Yeah, narcissist is the word.
- Cheryl already sucks (but she’s gorgeous, wow).
- Okay, yeah, alright. Veronica isn’t that bad.
- The guys I went to school with did not look like that at 15.
- Okay. So Jason didn’t just drown? Big shocker.
- Why does this feel like Bring It On? But worse.
- Why are Veronica and Betty making out? What was the point of that?.
- GOOD GIRL, BETTY, BE THE BETTER PERSON.
- DRAG HER, VERONICA.
- Archie is sweet, but he’s no Troy Bolton.
- Oh God. I feel so bad for Betty, all the time.
- Did she say “Archikins”? Stop.
- This mother is the worst. Shut. Up.
- This is so cliché. “I can’t do the thing I love because dad wants me to do something else, and also sport.” Bleh.
- The big posters of Jason are really something
- God, Veronica is the least subtle person ever.
- Archie has more confidence than any 15-year-old I’ve ever met.
- Playing the song their parents were listening to when they were conceived? Okay. That’s weird.
- Seven minutes in heaven? What year is it? I’m uncomfortable.
- Yeah, no, I was right. Veronica sucks. I get that he’s not keen, but wow, dog move.
- Wait, did they have sex? I thought they just made out but his bowtie is undone… Is that the implication?
- Okay, as long as Veronica knows that she’s a shit friend.
- Finally – Cole Sprouse.
- Okay but what kind of a name is Jughead? What’s his actual name?
- But he’s a writer? Love it. What a beautiful man.
- Jughead is my favourite character so far.
- Geez, what did Archie do to Jughead?
- “I’ll never be good enough for you” is the worst excuse ever.
- “I’m not gay,” okay, sure man.
- Yeah, wow, dramatic as hell.
- Oh God, I see how they got three seasons out of this.
Final thoughts
It’s like High School Musical meets Gossip Girl, but they’re 15 (and there’s a murder?). It’s dramatic af (and is nowhere near as good as The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina), but overall, it’s not as bad as I thought. But… I can’t say I’ll continue watching it.
