It’s that time of year where all your girlfriends and best gay friends get together with your mums and aunties to watch the penultimate event of your miserable, uninteresting, single lives. The Bachelorette Finale. This is the time when the cheese platters come out; an abundance of camembert, prosciutto, crackers, and of course a whole bar of chocolate to accompany the evening viewing.
This year, we have our favourite couch-sitting judge-aholic, Angie from Gogglebox, sorting through her group of (st)duds to try and find her Mr Right while the whole of Australia witnesses her awkwardness. Angie’s journey hasn’t been all sunshine and roses (mostly sunflowers actually) for our dog-loving bachelorette. Well, I guess it kind of has since Timm and Angie had a bath with roses, but that really isn’t the point here.
The point here is my what my own predictions were in regards to who would win the season and claim Angie’s heart; talking about it like this reminds me of Snow White and the Huntsman.. It’s funny because my family and I tried and predict the winners of the season each year from the very first episode. The rules are that we pick one heartthrob single (or in the case of this season, one dud) each to win the entire season. At this point, I’m the only one left with my pick, Carlin the Ken Doll, personal training model who is recently divorced, recently outed as an actor and most recently seen receiving multiple roses from our Bachelorette.
I found that I was right in guessing that the animal lover, Ryan, would be leaving the mansion (because I had this written days before this episode with the hope that he would leave). Carlin and Timm are the final two and we were all excited to see Carlin win. I guess it was a ruff day for our resident dog-loving Bachelorette contestant, Ryan. Watching Ryan go was harder than I thought it would be. The genuine tears leaving Angie’s mascara-covered eyes conveyed the most genuine emotion of the whole season. From my perspective, I believe it was because Ryan touched her face and messed up her makeup. That dog loving bastard trying to ruin our girls’ image!
When asked for my predictions for who will steal Angie’s heart in the finale, it should be quite obvious. I’ve concluded that Angie will picks the mansion’s resident personal trainer with a jawline that could cut a coconut clean in two. I mean, how could you not love Carlin? His face, his body, his crocodile tears that could literally save Australia from drought; he just has it all going for him. To back up my predictions, sources have claimed that the reason for this is that Brad (Angie’s brother, turned Bachelorette contestant, turned Timm hater) did not approve of Timm, and Angie taking her brothers advice decided to go with the lesser of two evils and picked Carlin.
To be honest, I’m surprised that Timm even made it this far into the series and I think the producers are surprised as well. He was introduced into the cast for comedic value but stayed well beyond his time, and for some reason Angie has fallen for his delusional, child-like comedy. When I listen to him talk, I literally lose braincells; however, it is good TV when he does appear. She just seems to froth his energy completely and loves his goofy nature.
Although my predictions may be one way of thinking about how this series of Bachie will end, what I want to happen at the Bachelorette finale is a completely different story. My ideal situation for the finale was to see Ciarran come back with his grandmother alive and the whole situation of him leaving was actually a hoax and that Angie and Ciarran have found love, get married and have nudist, exhibitionist babies with a horrible British-Australian accent that I find endearing.
Of course, this is all wishful thinking, and in reality, Angie will most likely do the most unlikely thing at this final ceremony of commitment because god knows that this girl gets distracted very easily. Hopefully there are no dogs at wherever they’re going to go or she might end up with a Golden Retriever instead of either human males.