The Bachelor recap is back again and this week we get to see a send-off episode of laughs, despair and serious moaning problems.
After the swift exit of our favourite sassy and love-to-hate bachelorette, Jen, the remaining girls in The Bachelor mansion can’t wait to bitch about her. Ironic huh.
The remaining contestants begin to discuss who hasn’t gone on a single date yet. *cough cough* enter stage Simone. Then, postman Osher comes strolling in with his casual Andrew G attire on from literally the other side of the mansion with no date card in sight.
I am slightly worried where he pulls it out from and how long it has been there. Just like mail from Uncle Andy, I like to leave it for at least five days before I open it, that way the desperation and lust leak out.
Osher pulls the date card out of nowhere like magic with “ooooohs” and “ahhhhhhhs” coming from the girls. He then literally expresses the premise of how to win the show is to spend time with Matty which is completely ridiculous because MATTY J is the only one that can control that. Who would’ve thought the man would have complete control of the relationship.
Simone is disappointed again as she doesn’t get a single date and Laura does, and the narrative of a sad, depressed, dateless Simone goes on. Enjoy the penultimate episode of her demise! Don’t worry hun, he’ll pick you for something. Maybe.
After Si-MOAN is done moaning about not getting time with Matty, Laura guesses the whole “surprise” date that Matty had planned for her which involved a psychic. Spooky.
They then talk about their star signs and their related traits and when I say they I mean Laura. It’s not that I don’t like Laura, it’s that I don’t Like Georgia. It’s too much Georgia Love 2.0 for me and I’m just not into Matty getting with his ex. It’s a bit masochistic to be honest. A “hey, I’m gonna get with my ex’s lookalike so she can dump me again” kind of deal.
Back to Matty’s boring-ass date.
They wind up at the observatory which for some reason Laura thinks is a conservatorium, which would be correct if they were singing ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’.
At the observatory, they have a meeting with a psychic that tells them that Laura is holding back (funny how Matty thought that as well. Everyone seems to know the future these days *cough* scripted *cough*).
Matty then attempts to be all lovey dovey with Laura by letting her name a lonely star in the solar system. Nothing is more romantic then looking and naming a
star with a guide standing right next to you.
Eventually they settle on Matora (special name for a special star- it’s what my mum would tell me when I was little) and Matty seems pleased with himself.
After some sharing of saliva, breaking down of metaphorical barriers and symbolic idolisation of a rose being the most important thing in a woman’s life, the date ends.
Group Date Time!
The girls turn up at a kids carnival because well, why not. Georgia took Matty here once, why not remember the good ol’ times hey Matty. Oh. Too soon?
We find out this episode that Matty is DEFINETLY into soft core torture porn as he finds horrifying pictures of the girls from their childhood, one of which Florence refers to as “a really cute, ugly monkey”. Laura takes the points and credit for that one. We also find out that Si-MOAN is a closet redhead and that Tara was beautiful from birth to adulthood (go Tara).
The girls are made to compete in a series of demoralising, dehumanising and mortifying party games set up by the ever so charming and childlike bachelor, after which Matty J will again choose a champion.
In a game of doughnut-eating Si-MOAN almost chokes on the smallest doughnut which of course does not impress Matty. However, she ends up coming first out of all the other ladies. The girls then attempted to pop-balloons with secrets inside them by humping Matty in every which way possible. We then get to see pin the heart on the Bachelor where the girls put a heart on the part of Matty that they like the most.
For some reason, someone likes Matty’s pixie ears but they mistake it for his neck/smell (don’t know how those two things correlate Elora but alright. Allure me as to why this is valid). Si-MOAN then puts a heart on his doodle and mentions how great it is to all the other girls when she has spent the least amount of time with their shared boyfriend. Seems a bit fishy hey girls.
Once all is said and done, Matty chooses Elise because nobody else had a chance in hell and Matty J just wanted to make out with Elise again.
Cocktail Party!!
Another anti-climactic cocktail party where the girls mash on about etiquette and time with Matty when we all know their all just jealous of Tara’s amazing personality and good looks.
Simone mentions how her date card and self-respect may have been lost in the mail which Osher keeps delivering late, luckilyy Elise got hers before it was too late.
When Osher calls the girls in Matty begins handing out roses. We are left with Lisa (not Simpson) and Simone (not MOAN) with the end result being that Simone was not picked.
WHOOOO HOOOO, YOU’RE FREE HUN!
Matty handled this send-off extremely nicely, giving Simone the exit she deserved. Graceful yet moaning.
You can catch The Bachelor on Wednesday and Thursdays at 7:30pm on Network Ten.