Crikey jeepers! Somebody give me a fork to stick into my eye because Married at First Sight 2024 just delivered possibly the most f**ked up best man speech of all time!
While it was no doubt excellent content and great for the mems, the speech came hot off the explosive tea that sent Tim Calwell’s new bride Sara Mesa into cardiac arrest. Not only did we all collectively discover that he was cheated on by his ex of SIX YEARS, but he was going to propose to her “this year” before he revealed that he broke up with her only SIX MONTHS BEFORE FILMING. Mate. QUÉ FUQ?!
Unfortunately, there was nowhere for Sara to escape given she was aboard the good ship Starship — the infamous vessel — nay, the rite of passage — where every year 11 student was allowed an unofficial school formal in Sydney. Instead, she was forced to walk precisely two metres away before having to turn around and tell him that she was nobody’s ~bAd PaNcAke~.
Firstly, fair and secondly…RUN.
But as one does when recapping the absolute chaos and debauchery that is this already doomed relationship, we digress and it’s time to introduce BEN, who made things a hell of a lot worse.
Ben’s Best Man speech
“I was not surprised when I heard Tim was partaking in this experiment,” Ben began, “Because Tim is a man of science… “
Ben then began to rattle off the following “experiments”.
- “Experiment 551. Romance at high speed. Is it road-head safe?”
- “Experiment 552. Is it okay to get head in the ER since you crashed your car and you’re here now anyway?”
- “Experiment 759. Love at first sight through beer goggles.”
“Talk to Tim after this speech if you want the results of these experiments,” he said.
After a montage of more of the same, Ben decided to tell a story.
“Experiment 381: Tim had the idea to pack his own lunch during a four-day Music Festival in the middle of an Australian summer. On the very last day, we sat in awe as he devoured rancid four-day-old chicken.
“So, here we are. Experiment 865, I mean Sara,” he said, before referring to his mate. “He is a wonderful human who radiates charisma like the sun.
“And Sarah? You can find solace in the fact, rancid or not, Tim will still eat you.”
US/EVERYONE/ANYONE WITH A PULSE:
F**k no.
Watch Married at First Sight Sundays at 7.00pm and Monday – Thursday at 7.30pm on Nine and 9Now.
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