Sitting down with a potential root to watch Netflix can be one of the most awkward experiences known to men, women and pets alike. The amount of times that my dog has been present while I’ve been lip-smacking with a guy called Jake is more than my fingers can count.
Whether you’re sitting down next to someone you want to, uh, ‘chill’ with or sitting next to your dad without him knowing the meaning behind the proverb ‘Netflix and chill,’ you’re forced to ponder some philosophical questions. One of the questions that I can guarantee will not be on this list is ‘what are we going to watch?’ because for me, it rarely even gets that far. The questions are as follows:
Have I taken the precautions to see that no one else is home?
Nothing is more awkward than having someone come over to Netflix and chill when you think you’ve got the house to yourself. Whether it be a housemate, sibling or even parents, you need to make sure no-one is home (or coming home) to avoid awkward introductions and explanations later on.
I had one guy that I brought home to chill, and everything was just dandy until my whole family (including my grandparents) decided to show up. This boy met my whole family, in GREAT detail. My Greek family was VERY interested in me bringing someone home for once. I wasn’t surprised I didn’t get a text back from ‘lookingnow95.’
Have I taken the right measures to ensure optimum sexual relations?
This is a big one if you’re getting the big one. Ensure that the space that you’re using is clean, comfortable and away from windows (don’t even ask). Make sure whatever screen you’re planning to use has Netflix on it and avoid sitting at a desk with a desktop LIKE THE PLAGUE. No one wants to sit lap-to-butt on a desk chair, trust and believe.
By doing this, you also negate any chance of this person finding anything incriminating or embarrassing, and can be where you are at your most comfortable. For me, it’s usually by my bed. ‘Quick transitions between scenes’, I like to call it.
Where should I put my dog when the deed is being done?
If your dog is an attention-seeking whore like mine, it is best to put them outside in a safe space so your chill buddy won’t even know they exist. If you have an ordinary dog, just outside your room of choice or in a spare room will do just fine. If they’re extra needy and scratch on the door, dog-proof it with a pillow for optimum safety.
This reminds me, I need to get my dog out of his place in the back yard …
How loud should the TV be for ambience?
This is very dependent on how much you want to be talking to your chill buddy. If you would like chats before the deed, a low volume would be great. However, if you just would like to get down and dirty, a higher volume will force you to shut up quicker, look into each other’s eyes innocently as though you both don’t know what will happen next and lock tongues as the Gods intended.
Never put on a horror movie as I get scared easily and it just won’t end nicely.
Horror movies are more of a me problem, but they could affect you as well. I enjoy the male-on-male kind of relations so getting scared shitless really isn’t optimal for what I intend on doing later down the track.
Although, putting on a horror movie might actually work to get you closer to your chilling buddy and make the transition from Netflix to chilling a tad smoother.
I can’t imagine getting excited over Annabelle or It, but then again I’m into anime so who knows what people enjoy watching before doing the deed these days.
Who do I invite over?
Inviting over the right person is key as you don’t want to be inviting a serial killer into your house, but you also don’t want someone super clingy to know where you live. It’s a tricky balancing act of supply and demand where your horniness is the supply and the timeframe to fill your horny hole is the demand. I highly recommend waiting to find a trustworthy individual whom you find attractive or a trusted adult to accompany you while you Netflix and chill.
Do I drink or eat beforehand?
In my experience and due to my lifestyle choices of (for lack of a better term) being gay, I try not to eat or drink pre-chill for … reasons. The awkward ‘I need to pee’ line will definitely surface at some point during or after the chilling. Something else may surface as well and I feel like I shouldn’t go into detail with this one, but you all know I’m talking about the brown submarine after its long journey.
Where do we do the deed?
Wherever you want! You can be like me and use your bed for easy transitions but the loungeroom can be just as sexy as you make your way to the bedroom. It’s wherever you feel most comfortable, away from animals, people and whatever other distractions there may be (God knows there are too many of them). Just always remember to have fun, be safe and always let someone know what you’re getting up to, so if you get murdered, they can find your body.
Do you have any fail-safe Netflix and chill hacks we need to know about? Let us know in the comments below!
Featured image: Yvonne Chase