“Pics”, “looking”, “non-scene”, “hook-up”, “discreet top (or bottom)” and “hey buddy” are all common words and phrases derived from the gay dictionary, better known as Grindr. If you’ve never heard of this homosexual male dating app it’s probably a good thing because Grindr is easily the shallowest, most egotistical, deeply toxic gay dating app that you could ever find. However, I still find it downloaded on my phone because you know, choices, and I’m very lonely – so why not fuel my own ego a little?

People always ask me questions like “what’s your Grindr profile like?”, “do you get lots of dick pics?”, “do you send dick pics?”, “what’s the weirdest message you’ve ever gotten?”, and “why do you use it if it leads nowhere?” Worry not children, we will unpack all of these questions – and more – shortly. But first, a little backstory.

During my teenage years I was quite confused about my sexuality, so when I was 17 I downloaded both Tinder and Grindr in the hope of finding people like me. Oh, how naive I was. Little did I know there was an entire secret language of gay that I’m still learning after four years, and that “looking” doesn’t mean, “oh you look great” but more of a, “hey, you wanna fuck?” The concept of people only wanting to have sex with you rather than genuine conversation sometimes irks me – only because my mind isn’t always filled with sexual thoughts about Chris Pine and Dylan Geick all the time (sometimes tho tbh).

I’ll usually get a dick pic as a first message (which is sometimes welcome – not always) with a “hey” following their appendage. Honestly, when I wake up and check my messages before the gym, I kind of don’t want to see your sausage when I’m about to be eating one in five minutes. I have a collection of penises in my photo gallery that my friends seem to froth over, surprised every time I receive a new fresh, purple-looking penis. Purple penis man, whoever you are, you’re famous among my friends.

One thing I do commend all of the guys on Grindr for is some of their persistence at trying to get my fine ass booty. This man has messaged me at least nine times with no response from me. His messages leave little to the imagination, but I guess he can be proud of himself for one thing. To address his question here and now: yes, yes, I am, sir.

Honestly, the reward and free taxi service almost got me to send a message back, but I refrained and got with someone else instead that night because I’m not a lost puppy and I don’t need no reward. Speaking of screen names, I like the ones that are kind of mysterious – only those guys seem really genuine but are usually a bit out there.

Another issue I have is responding to abs instead of faces. Why do you always gotta be shirtless in your freaking profiles fam? Like I get it, if you have an awesome body, by all means show it off but like, come on. I like a bit of body but when that’s all you’re giving me with no face, all I can really go off is that you’re obsessed with yourself (I’m saying this because I’m uncomfortable with my own body and don’t want to put my fat arse as my profile picture. Sorry not sorry – sue me).

When people call me “buddy”, I’m less likely to send them a picture of my arse and more likely to block that bitch faster than Paul Gallen in State of Origin, no sir. I know it’s just the way we talk but I’m not your ‘buddy’, I’m either your mate, dude, friendo, amigo or man. “Buddy” is what my dad calls me, not my daddy.

I actually kind of welcome the whole masc for masc thing for a few reasons. Firstly, I get to talk to a hot masculine guy. Secondly, it’s high key my type of guy. Third, I like to time how long it takes them to figure out that I’m not as masc as they assume – with my high-pitched voice, loud laugh and love for watching men in wigs reading each other on reality TV. Hey, at least I like football and video games. I’ll play Overwatch BUT only Mercy.

Speaking of, have mercy on the people who think they’re all that on a freaking dating app and can pressure people into going on dates. This one dude thought it would be great to make me feel guilty for cancelling on him and suggested I pay for the meal on our date. He looked pretty darn fine in his pics, so I thought why not. Total fish, and not the good kind: catfish. He was like a different person and not in a good way. I was embarrassed as he complained about a child crying for the whole time we were eating (I love kids), psycho-analysed me because he was studying counselling or some shit and after I half-finished my burger, decided to take it off my plate and eat it. I basically paid for a shit time. At least the burger tasted nice, I guess.

The worst part about Grindr is that I’ve yet to find a seriously genuine guy on there that I actually want to start a relationship with. Call me an idiot for using such a shit app for trying to find the man of my dreams but you can’t hate a guy for trying. Available suitors please apply below if you would like a date, it seems like I’ll be looking for a while. #mascformasc x