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7 cocktail recipes that pay tribute to 2018

6 minutes to read

We all like to come home, pour a glass of wine (or two… or three), while watching the news to deal with the dramatic events that have unfolded throughout the day. Quickly, these news stories become blurred like my memories of last week’s Tequila Tuesday, until I later find pictures of myself in a sombrero and poncho eating a burrito with a donkey…

What I’m trying to get at here is everything’s better with a splash of grog. With December already upon us, the year of 2018 is ending; which reminds us of just how much shit went down over the past year. Fiascos, events, kids playing Fortnite, so many noteworthy that hit our screens. To get through it all, my best friend ‘alcohol’ and I seemed to get into a lot of mischief. So, why not describe this year’s pop culture, news stories and trends with some cocktail recipes to get your feet moving into 2019?

The Trumpini

This has been one hell of a year with Donald Trump having controversy after controversy attached to his small spray tanned hands. He’s provided us with equal amounts of distaste and hilarity, so this cocktail will give you the same feelings of hate and joy at Donald Trump’s declining trajectory.

Let’s just say that the forecast for Trump’s future in office seems to be Stormy on the horizon.

Ingredients:

  • Zest of 12 oranges for a fake tanned aesthetic.
  • A nip of gin because nobody likes the taste of Trump.
  • Two shots of stupidity; self-explanatory.
  • Half a lemon that was grown in a white male’s garden which was created with a small loan of one million dollars.
  • Russian hooker urine; adds just the right kick.

The Fortjito-nite

The game that swept twelvies all around the world has become one of the most popular and well-known video games in under 12 long and grueling months. Attempts at getting a victory royale can lead people to breaking point; I am one of those people who after my 93rd game have not yet won because I don’t understand how to build a wall in front of me. Poggers. With it revolutionizing the gaming industry and making people rethink their life choices, it truly is the game of 2018.

Ingredients:

  • Tears of a 14-year-old boy losing his 47th fortnite game in a row.
  • The thrill of getting a golden SMG.
  • Hair ripped out from a balding 52-year old’s head who died off spawn again.
  • A sprig of mint to represent the 30 seconds of happiness from getting a victory royale.
  • Red cordial, because most of the players of this game are under the age of 13 and can’t drink alcohol. Yet, they’re still better than me.

Bloody M(egan and H)arry

The royal couple, a ginger prince and an American actress, had a lot of people excited this year. It was something to distract TV viewers from their own depressing lives. All we could do in the end was yell out in desperation, “BLOODY MEGAN AND HARRY!”

Ingredients:

  • A squashed tomato grown in the palace gardens guarded by 27 soldiers.
  • Water five times filtered to discard the ‘poor’ taste.
  • Powdered aspirin.
  • The sperm of a ginger.
  • A cup of very expensive ale.

Long Lamp Moth Tea

One of the best memes of 2018 made us believes that moths will one day take over the planet by eradicating all sources of lamp life in existence. The moth meme is kind of scary because that lamp represents everything we long for or crave—stable relationships, financial security, companionship, good art, sex, and meaningful connections.

Ingredients:

  • One lampy boi.
  • The sweat of normies who wish to understand the meme.
  • A mouldy apple slice that has been sitting in a NEET’s room for four years.
  • A fried moth as a garnish.
  • 1 oz. of vodka to cure depression.

This is Old Fashioned America

Childish Gambino released ‘This Is America’ earlier this year and it was one of the most controversial songs to come out of 2018. The symbolism of this song runs deep within American culture as an entire choir is executed in a nod to the Charleston church shooting. Gun violence has had major implications on this year, and will be a discussion point for years to come.

Ingredients:

  • A blended AK47.
  • Add America’s hypocritical constitution shredded.
  • A splash of moonshine to appeal to intolerant Americans.

 

Cardiquiri-B and Nicki Mingarita

In September, Nicki Minaj and Cardi B ended up brawling in New York due to some raw beef which wasn’t rare for the two rappers, nor well done. The altercation ended with Cardi throwing a shoe at Nicki, and Cardi leaving with a large bruise on her forehead. These two cocktails are best served in pairs, especially when you’re buying your frenemy one. The Nicki Minaj and Cardi B Fiasco was one to remember.

Image via Getty/Kevin Tachman

Cardiquiri-B ingredients:

  • One drop of Nicki’s blood from Cardi’s stiletto heel.
  • A splash of VB for Cardi’s bitterness.
  • Sour strawberries pretending to be sweet cause we like it like that.
  • Add lime and squeeze to drip some finesse.

Nicki Mingarita ingredients:

  • A swab of sweat to add talent.
  • Add parts of an amplifier for that super bass.
  • Shake with a booty from the gods.
  • Add buns cause you got none hun.

We hope that you’ll be able to get through the rest of 2018 with these delicious concoctions; we’ll be needing them to get us through the end of year festivities!