Double dipping into your sexual history isn’t even something that seems like a good idea at the time. When you’re in a scenario with a person with whom you’ve previously done that nasty with, your brain shoots up so many red flags, waving them frantically in your face screaming, “No sweetie, don’t do this to yourself! Remember how bad you felt last time?”, but then your downstairs area promptly puts up your blinkers and convinces you that “maybe it’ll be different this time.”
It won’t be different this time. It never is.
There’s a reason why this particular person is part of your sexual history. If you were meant to have sex with them again, then you probably wouldn’t have stopped in the first place, you know? It can get confusing because you might think that these certain people care about you because they’ll do a damn good job of making you feel as though they do in the lead up to your all-night bang fest. Alas, when the show is over and the curtains are closing, they won’t even stick around to sweep the stage clean.
They’ll shuffle themselves into their crusty jeans, scamper around your bedroom looking for their phone, keys and wallet, and then they’ll awkwardly peck you on the lips, as if you were their cousin or something, and do the dash.
They are released back into the wild feeling sexually satisfied and a little chuffed with themselves, and you’re left with dirty bed sheets and a sense of self-loathing. Who wins in this scenario?
In order to avoid this situation, you need to think about the reasons as to why you’re getting into it in the first place and then you need to consider the reasons they’re doing it. You’ll likely find out that you both have very different motives.
Now, this is all in my humble opinion of course, but here are a few reasons as to why they might be jumping into bed with you.
You’re their bookend human.
You’re likely to have experienced the type of person who sporadically returns into your life at various intervals whenever they break up with someone. You were there in their bed just before they started dating so-and-so, and now you’re back between the sheets again, two years later, after they’ve called it quits with so-and-so. You are the bookend of their relationships gone wrong.
They’ll usually come to you with an abundance of compliments and a glimmer of potential, the subtext of this all being along the lines of, I made a mistake, I should have picked you. While it’s fun to flatter yourself into believing this, the reality is that they were never going to pick you and they probably never will.
They’re standing on shaky ground, having just cut the cord with their previous human, and you seem like a ‘good enough’ runner up. Eventually though, whatever it was that prevented them from committing to you in the first instance will pop back up and, like clockwork, they will disappear back into the abyss, sure to rise from the ashes once again in the not so distant future. Just make sure you have your wits about you for the next time.
Your familiarity is comforting.
It might not be a break-up that has sent this particular human back between your legs; it could be any kind of significant life transition – a new job, moving house/cities, family/social issues etc. When someone is going through the motions of change, they often seek to cling onto the familiar in order to steady themselves and regain control. Sometimes, the familiar thing they are desperately trying to cling on to is your boobs/peen.
You’ll know these ones from a mile away, they’ll come in hard and fast. There won’t be a prelude of flirtatious text messages or subtle hand grazes at your ‘friendly’ catch up – as occurs with the example above – but instead, it’s likely that you’ll just be in the same place as them sometime and they’ll zero in from the get-go. Booze/substances are likely to be involved and, like the powder they just snorted into their nostril, you too will be a quick fix for the evening.
These double-dippers don’t need much from you. They’re not there for the emotional stuff, they’re just dropping in for a one night show, there will be no encore performance.
They’re drunk and horny.
Sometimes, it takes no more than this unbeatable combo to rationalise their decision to sleep with you again, regardless of the fact that it may hurt your feelings and damage any existing friendship that the two of you had.
Now let’s take a look at the other side of the spectrum. Here are the reasons why you might be jumping into bed with them again, despite those pesky red flags waving frantically in your eye line:
You convince yourself into thinking they really want you: Perhaps their radio silence for the last three years was due to a busy schedule? Maybe they’ve realised that you’re actually not that bad after all? Maybe they’ve been too nervous to follow up? We can tell ourselves a myriad of tales to justify shitty behaviour, both our own and that of others, and sometimes we’re happy to pull the wool over our own eyes in order to maintain a certain fantasy for the evening.
Maybe they do care about you as a person but also, maybe they don’t. I think you should be able to tell how someone feels about you fairly easily and if it’s somewhat of a grey area, then perhaps the safe bet is to assume that they don’t care, that way you can avoid doing anything that you might soon regret.
You’re after an ego boost.
Last time you had sex with them, they might have said something along the lines of, “This is the best sex I’ve ever had!” – and be that true or not, it’s always great to hear something along those lines. When you’re feeling a little sad or lonely, maybe you just want someone to tell you that you look good, kiss good, fuck good, and that’s why you’re happy to ignore the warning signals because it really feels like one single night of passionate sex is better than none, but that’s not always the case.
You’re drunk and horny.
This one goes both ways. You’re both drunk and horny and end up sharing the same Uber home, which leads to naked wrestling, that is inevitable. But when you spend 20% of your life being drunk and 80% feeling horny, then you need to have some kind of back-up plan in place for when you’re confronted with these situations, otherwise you’re stuck in a hamster wheel of regret. You just don’t need that in your life.
So, if you’re feeling frisky and looking to fulfill the cravings with some hot, sexy bump & grind time, may I suggest opting for a stranger instead? Your sexual desires will be met and, post coitus, you can both go along on your merry ways feeling sexually satisfied and a little chuffed with yourself.
This is an edited version of an article that was originally published at twentysomethinghumans. Read the original article here.