Welcome back to Paradise. This episode kick-starts with Jarrod sitting with the girls again, whining like the child he is. The funniest part is he continues this farce throughout the whole episode. The reason being? Because Kiera is talking to a different guy. Um, if we remember correctly Jarrod, you’re the one who wanted to impress Ali, but Mac and Cheese stole your thunder. Don’t be acting all mighty, you rotten tomato.
Anywho, the extent of Kiera and Daniel’s conversations mostly revolve around a soft-core porno where Daniel calls Kiera a ‘naughty’ girl and Kiera simply giggles, resisting the urge to call him her American daddy even though he is Canadian. This is concerning for a 7:30pm time slot. Children, close your eyes.
A second passes between the awkward exchange Kiera and Daniel are having and we are introduced to a new American. Heartthrob (and now labelled) ‘American Jared’ comes in and oh my God, have we missed him from the American Paradise. He is here to stir the pot with his friendly charm; his intentions are always good at heart and it seems like Australia just got an American heart transplant. We already enjoy this Jared so much more than Aussie Jarrod, but he makes a mistake as soon as he walks into paradise. He goes for Jake the snake’s girl, Megan.
It’s an insanely awkward interaction where Megan tell him she’s not interested, but he still pursues her after she continuously shuts him down. Eventually, Megan gives in to his ‘American charm’ and they go on a date we don’t actually see much of. All we really find out is Megan was Amish and wasn’t allowed to watch movies as a child. Riveting conversations going on in Paradise tonight.
What’s amazing is Jake assures us every 5 minutes he’s confident Megan won’t switch it up and go for Jared like he did to Florence. Because God forbid someone cross snakey Jakey.
In the meantime, Tara realises there are so many more guys than girls at this extravagant hotel. Tara described it as ‘sausage fest’, a throwback to her season of the bachelor. Good old sausage Tarz, how we have missed you.
Aside from all the newcomers and drama, there is a new love triangle in the mix which is clearly just a line drawn in the sand between Ali and Grant, with Leah on the other side. The funniest part is Ali said she wasn’t into Grant, yet we find her eating his face off in full view of Leah. Paradise seems to have opposite day every day. After that lovely scene, we see Leah exclusively throwing shade and tearing everyone at Paradise to smithereens as the forecast is cloudy with a side of cyclone Leah. We are living for this.
Jarrod starts crying about how Kiera is flirting with Daniel and we are all FROTHING over this drama.
We now understand all the foreshadowing and the hilarious irony that Jarrod finds himself in at this point after doing the exact same thing to Kiera. We’re all giddy in our seats while he cries and for some reason, feel quite good seeing him suffer.
After Daniel flirts with Kiera, he moves directly on to Nina. He turns up the charm, yet accidentally hits the sleaze switch and breaks it. He is completely inconsiderate, misogynistic, egotistical and hilarious all at the same time. I can’t help but kind of love the guy. After Daniel comments on Nina’s chest for the fourth time in five seconds, she says the most intelligent and profound thing this show has seen. Before she breaks down into tears, the producers ask who she’s worried about hurting most and she says herself.
The worst part about this whole situation is Jarrod is still crying. Mate, if you knew you weren’t cut out to be on this show, don’t come back six months after the first time. Jarrod goes into this deep monologue of attempting to lighten the blow of leaving by inflating his ego and mention how busy he is with his vineyard. Jarrod, we know you’re rich, too bad you’re not rich in a lovable personality.
As a good babysitter should, Kiera retrieves Jarrod’s dummy as he spat it out, they go have a D&M, pash once or twice and Jarrod is happy again. Jarrod the great lives on everyone.
Now that Kiera has Jarrod, she finally has a sacrifice to summon Richie back from his television appearance grave. Most likely, Jarrod will go along with the farce, get sacrificed and become Richie; in all honesty, that wouldn’t be bad because at least Richie doesn’t whine. In the background, Daniel, who is now nervous about Kiera, approaches Laurina in hopes she will swoon over him after Blake didn’t really tickle her fancy. They have a nice conversation. Daniel mostly compliments himself. It’s going well.
We then start the new day with drinks at 7:30am from the local Fijian barman and his assorted drinks and cocktails. The alcohol definitely affects Kiera as she starts to go after Daniel like a wolf would meat. She almost tackles him into his shack and starts pashing on like nobody’s business. We can hear Jarrod crying from a mile away. Not today Satan.
We then have substitute math teacher, Uncle Sam, laying down the love octagon in Paradise. Everyone is connected due to Daniel being a complete douche. Needless to say, I cannot defend him. He is being a bit douchey, not gonna lie.
Fast forward to the rose ceremony and boy, was this a good one. Previously, Lenora/Laurina, Nina and Kiera all expressed interest in giving roses to Daniel and decide they want Lenora to pick him.
So, Nina goes first and picks Eden (she likes that garden, aye). The progression of roses continues as usual and we come to Laurina. Oh Laurina, we know you’ll pick Daniel.
But, what is Bachelor in Paradise without a little plot twist. We never expected Laurina to pick American Jared. It was so unexpected I literally jumped out of my chair and hit my dog in the face. Many apologies were exchanged in my home, but I was completely shook, alright?
In true Kiera fashion, she says, out loud: “I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.” We’re not all surprised she picks Jarrod and the narrative of Daniel ends.
This is followed by a deep monologue of Daniel saying how the girls on this season are all like stale bread and how he can get all the women back home. To be honest, I’m white and if these girls are bread, they’re bloody spicy. This season is spicy.