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Bachelor in Paradise Episode 5 Recap

7 minutes to read

After the storm that was Florence leaving the beach for good, we can finally see a sunny horizon for our hopefuls that are left in the game. We start off with Jarrod being a hypocritical rich white boy telling Nina his problems about how he now likes Kiera, and Nina mentions that her and Eden aren’t that close and she’s kind of getting frustrated.

YES NINA BONINA, GET OUT OF THE GARDEN OF EDEN. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

All too quickly we are reintroduced to Grant from a previous American season of the Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. The girls are like a pack of seagulls coming to steal my hot chips and tartare sauce. I feel like Grant needs a suit of armour to protect himself against the Aussie girls because they are brutal.

All the girls are as red as Jarrod after he’s in the sun for more than five seconds, especially Leah who almost kidnaps him and takes him back to her cabin. Eventually, Grant is peer pressured into giving Leah his date card and they go off on a magical journey to the land of pashing.

Their date becomes uncomfortable very quickly as they start to undress each other. It is like a bad porno where they start moaning while undressing, which is just too cringe to take seriously making me turn away, gag and throw up a little bit in my mouth.

This is so grotty ew. Definitely not a premium site. Source.

They snorkel together, hold hands and pash. We are introduced to a giddy, childlike Leah; it’s kind of endearing, but we all know it is going to be short-lived. At least we know that Leah isn’t taking the American for granted, but we can all assume that he is going to stir up some trouble in paradise.

In the background, there is this Michael, Ali and Mack saga that just seems to be going on forever. The love triangle has lasted way too long and is so confusing to me (I didn’t pass trigonometry in high school – sue me).

Queue second intruder of the night. I am actually shooketh. The king of paradise is here: all bow down to Daniel, Maple Syrup, Hot Stuff, The Canadian Firecracker (I could go on, but I feel like we should stop it here), the original grandfather of paradise. He is super muscular, super hilarious and just all around good TV. He is here to stir up some shit like a blender in a kitchen and we are ALL HERE FOR IT.

Jarrod is more than shook as Daniel walks in. The first thing he says to Jarrod is: “Dude you’ve gotten a lot of sun.” The elephant in the room has been notified and vacated and Jarrod has been verbally burned more than his skin ever will be. Thank you, Daniel.

RIP. Source.

All the girls froth over his chiseled body and charming personality and honestly, we can’t blame them.  He’s a combo of Zeus and Poseidon: his body is basically marble. Knowing this and taking advantage of Jarrod being extremely insecure, Kiera goes for broke. She getting all up in that Canadian business. She probably just wants some maple syrup tbh.

Anyway, Daniel asks Nina to go out on a date with him, which has Eden looking around his garden asking what happened to his Eve. We then realise that Daniel is the snake in this metaphor; Nina ate the apple that Daniel gave her. That was way more complicated than it had to be.

Big snek boi. Source.

They end up going on a walk to some mysterious hot springs, but get stopped crossing a dangerous river by a local because why cross a river with a surging current when there is a five star resort right next door? Exotic, isn’t it?

What makes things worse is that Daniel’s man boobs don’t stop staring at me. Like. They follow me everywhere I go. It’s like the paintings with the eye holes in all those old fashion movies. THEY JUST FOLLOW. But Nina seems to like it so we just go along with the whole act as Daniel un-shamefully looks at Nina’s cleavage, but she doesn’t care too much and returns the favour.

The peak of Australian television.

Nipple. So much nipple. Source.

Transport us back to the Mack, Michael and Ali love triangle. When Ali doesn’t like the taste of Mack’s Mac and Cheese, she starts to cry after basically throwing it in his face and telling him how much she hated it. Ali lets Mack down ‘nicely’; I’m unsure if that word works in this sentence, but basically tells him she’s not interested and starts to have a breakdown.

Source.

Five minutes later, she also tells the same thing to Michael while I’m sitting at home with my ice-cream watching Bachelor in Paradise waiting to get a text back. Okay. This is fine.

Continuing the trend of break-ups, Lenora, I MEAN, Laurina breaks it off with party boi Blakey, and he has a bit of a cry after forgetting the girl he’s been seeing for the past five days’ name. Well done Blake. Well done.

Our little frangipani, Tara, then gets whisked away for a date with Sam. We’re all umming and aweing at the majorly romantic setting that they walk into. Musicans, Bar, Alcohol, good company, I can dig it.

Tara’s one liners have us going as Sam makes her drink WAY too strong. She mentions: “It’s kind of like drinking petrol” and “At least I’ll be lit after this.” And we can understand that Tara is a lightweight. It’s okay, it means less money for you to spend at Bar ala Sam!

Then we go into a deep and meaningful monologue with Uncle Sam spieling his feelings. It’s just sweet and adorable and we are all here for it. They end up pashing and the figurative awwws that can be heard around Australia makes our hearts melt as Tara finally gets some kind of happiness in paradise.

Basically, to round up this episode, Jarrod starts a feud with Mack attack about Ali who Jarrod isn’t even pursuing anymore while Michael just sits back and watches the fireworks. This’ll be a lit start to the next episode.