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Bachelor Recap S5 E12: Matty J is a Time Lord

7 minutes to read

The alluring goddess Elora makes her move on the Bachelor and it doesn’t exactly pan our how she expected.

As usual our story begins with Osher entering the Bachelor Mansion yet again, uninvited and interrupting the girls who are talking about how their connections with Matty are growing stronger. Who knew a dating show would elicit these types of feelings.

Lisa talks about her feelings regarding the time she has spent with Matty. She then mentions how it is her fault that she is in this position when Matty literally controls who goes on the dates. Matty J is a Time Lord (hahaha see what I did there?)

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Lisa is just unsure of her position in the Bachelor Mansion. Source.

Osher then mentions that the hometown visits will happen soon. Osher then pulls a date card out of thin air again (bippity boppity date card) and Laura takes it upon herself to read it. Georgia Love 2.0 mentions it has to do with heights and Florence is absolutely loving it.

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Flo getting hype for her single date with Matty. Source.

After seven minutes of the seven girls rambling about their seven different relationships with Matty, we find out that Florence is going on the date. The other six then mention how disappointed they are, especially Lisa.

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Remember when Lisa had a single date? Nope? Me neither. Source.
Single Date Time!

Flo turns up to a deserted field (romantic) and is left alone for a while to contemplate her passionate Dutch feelings about Matty. I presume she’s thinking about the next Dutch lesson that she will give to Matty. Bring on sexy teacher Flo, whoooo hooo. Ik hou van jou would be a good point of reference Florence.

Matty then turns up in a helicopter (just casually) and tells Florence that they will be riding in it, setting the bar high for all single dudes. Attention all men: if you want to make a girl fall in love with you just buy her a helicopter. Works every time. Matty J tested and approved.

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Flo thinks the helicopter is hers to keep lol. Source.

After the scenic ride over the nasho, the two start do a Ghost inspired pottery scene which was just a tad awkward.

Matty mentions he has won multiple awards in pottery craft and Flo mentions her skill level is zero. Our Bachie just loves to make the girls look incompetent.

The result of this? Florence sculpts a penis. Yep. For some reason, Matty doesn’t even mind too much.

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Pottery with the Bachelor. Source.

The two then get cleaned up, sit down, pash and Florence is given a rose to symbolise Matty’s undying affection for her and a bunch of other women. I’m sure Flo will just add this one to her already abundant collection.

Group date time!
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YEAH GIRLS. Bachelor Power! Source.

For the group date The Bachelor gets the girls to dress up in 80s style fitness wear as it looks like they’re going to be recording one of those work out videos. Osher definitely did not get the memo. He’s not a happy chappy Matty.

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Osher is not happy Jan. Source.

As the girls go over their scripts for the video, Lisa tells Matty that she is worried about the amount of time the two have spent together which is completely ironic. She is literally talking to him about spending time with him while spending some time with him. Make the most of it Lisa!

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Lisa having doubts about The Bachelor. Source.

The girls then find out that learning their scripts was for nothing because everything is unscripted on this show (wink wink) and they’re going to be breaking wooden boards with their fears on them.

Tara breaks her board with the biggest grunt and becomes the champion and winner of today without a single shread. Why? Because Matty said so.

Tara and Matty then take their activewear and each other to a rooftop dinner date where all Tara can think about is Matty’s sausages from a few nights before.

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Tara just wants Matty’s sausage. Source.

Sadly, the menu is strictly Thai. T for Tara. T for Thai. It shouldn’t be a problem really.

After an extremely serious and heart-warming heart to heart between the two lovebirds, they pash for the perfect amount of time which results in Tara being awarded a rose. It’s kind of like how you reward a dog with treats for doing good things. Matty is literally a dog trainer (bachelor) getting his pets (girls) to jump through hoops (degrading challenges) for treats (roses). How did television come to this?!

They pash again, talk some more and the date is over. I literally jumped out of my place on the couch, scared the shit out of my dog and woke up my whole family because I was so thrilled for Tara. You go girl!

Cocktail Party!

An extremely drama filled cocktail party was led by Elora’s mission to allure the Bachelor with that alluring accent of hers.

After the goddess of exoticism finishes talking to Matty J, she pulls him over to the curtains (a suss place to pash Elora not gonna lie), embraces her inner Leah and attempts to kiss him. It ends up imploding right in her face (just like Leah’s attempt almost a year ago) with Matty pulling away saying it would be “disrespectful” to the other girls.

After feeling some second-hand cringe and awkward embarrassment from Elora, I do have some sympathy for her. She goes back to the girls and hopes to confide in them and tell them about her boy trouble. This is to no avail and has the opposite effect. Lol, you tried to hook up with their boyfriend why would they sympathise with you?

Elora the alluring was so embarrassed about the fiasco, and I wouldn’t blame her. If I did that I would literally change my name and leave the country. Flights are cheap to North Korea at the moment Elora!

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Poor Elora! Source.

However, it doesn’t matter as Lisa would not shut up about not having feelings for Matty and her own lack of time with him. She is sent home as her doubts and commitment issues towards our Bachelor were too much.

Watch The Bachelor at 7:30pm on Wednesdays and Thursdays on Network Ten.