As week two of the Bachelor rolls around and the women, being exceptionally reasonable, continue to complain about Alex using her white rose, it’s beginning to dawn on me that I don’t like any of these people and my viewing partner, Mum, doesn’t like Richie. This is going to be a looonnngggg season…
The not-at-all petty bitching about the great depths of Alex’s betrayal probably would have lasted until the end of time itself were it not for the arrival of the date card. The girls are looking at it like I look at chocolate, and I’m pretty sure I just saw Keira legit drool.
Predictably, there’s a 2 minute shot of every woman in the house individually saying that they really hope they get it and it begins to dawn on me that these may be the most boring women in existence. All I want in my reality TV is Heather :'(
It’s a single date for Megan! All the other women are just THRILLED!
Bachie says that “when I first met Megan, she told me that she loves the water, so I knew she’d be perfect for this.” And what is this? This is a picnic lunch suspended over the windiest cliff in existence, on what looks like a freezing day. Makes sense to me!
The two rise into the air, on their terrifying platform of death defying doom (romantic, no?) and toy a bit with their own mortality. As they step on the edge of the platform together, imitating Titanic, I wonder if Richie is actually part of some sort of death cult. I bet he packed koolaid in that picnic…
Miraculously surviving (natural selection, pick up yo game, son), Richie and Megan make their way up to a cute old house where they get very close and cosy. Feeling the time is right, Richie whips it out, and Megan is delighted! She accepts her rose (god, what were YOU thinking it was?) and then the two lean in for a kiss and then I PHYSICALLY CRINGE AS SHE ACCIDENTALLY DODGES HIS KISS FOR A CHEEK PECK.
WHY YOU DO THIS TO MY SOUL?!
To make matters worse, they both comment on it. Everyone noticed. I’m dead.
But, getting right back on that horse, Richie goes in for a second smooch and this time they make contact. It’s basically as stressful and technical as that spinning docking scene from Interstellar.
Back at the mansion, Keira is uncharacteristically in a good mood, which can only be a terrible, terrible omen. Oh no wait, she’s just already read the date card in her hands and is ready to rub the information in the girls’ faces.
Attending this one is Rachael, Alex, Nikki, Sasha, Marja, Janey, Kiki (“not too sure if this girl is ready for another date,” keira chimes in. Thanks
for that, Keira), Tolyna, Keira (duh), and Sophie. All of the girls have the most bittersweet expressions: they’re psyched to date Richie, but they’re super not psyched to date Richie with 11 other girls. Life’s tough, ladies, reality tv life is tougher.
On the group date, Richie comes out in roller skates and still somehow makes it look sexy: the 80s salute you, sir. He surprises the girls with a game of roller derby, which to regular people may actually be the first fun and interesting date of the season, and which every woman there looks mortified about. Keira is definitely the most vocal about the activity, insisting she’s a princess and doesn’t do that stuff – nobody’s told her she’s the evil witch :/
This is officially the saddest rendition of Whip It I’ve ever seen.
To complete this weird picture, the girls are dressed up in dual purpose sumo suits – good for safety reasons AND humiliation!
Finally, it was time for the girls to go head to head: on the right was the red team, led by Keira who really isn’t into anything other than conquering her prize: Richie’s hide.
On the left was the blue team: Bangers and Smash, already my favourite due to a rad name and a lack of Keira.
As the games begin, Keira insists that “any girl who says she likes sport is lying,” and then proceeds to viciously cheat and flounder on the ground. I have never been more into a sport than I was watching this:
Ultimately, Tolyna won the game for her blue team, proving that Disney portrayals of underdog triumphs are realistic! Her team’s prize was this adorable little private night market with ice cream, fairy lights, and the undying joy of Janey.
Unfortunately, even though Tolyna won the match, she crashed and burned in her one on one chat with Richie. RIP.
At the cocktail party Keira is preparing for WWIII: the Ongoing Saga of the White Rose. Alex has been officially labeled public enemy number one as the other women seem to have unanimously agreed that use of the white rose should be off the table. Because that seems fair. However, Richie won’t take no for an answer, and insists on whisking her away to their secret tower. The other women are displeased she didn’t snub him, tell him to fuck off, leave the competition, etc.
At the end of the day, however, it’s Tiffany, Tolyna and Zaney Janey who head home. Janey, you were literally the happiest person I have ever seen, you will be missed.
The next episode begins with a single date for
big boobs Faith, out on the high sea. “Is this a yacht?” Faith asks. “Um no, this is a speed boat,”
says Richie, thinly masking an expression of ‘are-you-fucking-serious’. The two commit to some boring boat banter about port and starboard which takes me back to my year 10 marine biology days, and I’m sure Mr. Stolk would be proud.
Eventually Faith and Richie reach a gorgeous little island with a gorgeous little bartender, Dennis, who Richie introduces as one of the best bartenders in the world. In fact, Dennis starts to put Richie to shame and I begin to wonder if Faith should just cut out the middle man and date the hot bartender, I mean, he was so good with his hands!
Back at the house, another group date card is presented. Keira is so thrilled, she presents this gem:
“i don’t like dates"
kiera, it's a dating show. what did you think this would involve? it’s not goddamn masterchef m8.#TheBachelorAU
— dan debuf (@dandebuf) August 4, 2016
Going on this group date is Eliza, who looks so excited she may pee her pants …again, Georgia, Noni, Sophie, Rachael, Olena, and Keira, who has now been dubbed the “group date groupie.”
The girls set off for an afternoon of ballroom dancing, complete with a dance off! Did I accidentally switch channels to Strictly Ballroom? Probably. Either way, Eliza is treating this as the most important thing in her life, which it might actually be.
Like some sort of fucking evil, horny, ninja, Keira springs on Richie as his partner. “Don’t get jealous, girls!” She cackles into the room or angry women. Omfg, my heart.
I hate to admit it, but Keira is actually killing it. She’s still the WORST though.
Keira blitzes the other girls and wins a one on one and Eliza brings out my new favourite line: “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
Everything’s looking up for the crankiest lady in the house UNTIL she drops this bomb: “I guess this means I won’t get a single date.”
The other women LOSE THEIR MINDS!
Keira and Richie dance together, Keira seems to be FINALLY happy (a christmas miracle), and Keira nabs a rose.
Back at the house, Eliza tries to reason with pure insanity.
“I feel like throughout the day you were being a little ungrateful at times.”
Oh, poor, weirdo Eliza. She was so young, she was so unprepared, but no one survives the wrath of Keira.
— Osher Günsberg (@oshergunsberg) August 4, 2016
There’s a lot one sided screaming, Keira throws around a few ‘you are SO RIDICULOUS!’s, viciously shuts Eliza down, and storms into the night. But Eliza just can’t leave crazy enough alone.
At the cocktail party, Eliza decides to try, try again and prepares to go chat to Kray Kray Keira. The other girls insist they have her back …from over on the seats 10m away.
Eliza stumbles through an awkward apology and keira responds,
“I appreciate you saying sorry in front of people, that’s really nice of you.”
Someone call the police, I just witnessed a fucking murder.
style=”text-align: justify;”>At the end of the evening, we say goodbye to Marja and Dani Manogue (Sophie).
okay goodnight twitter.#TheBachelorAU
— dan debuf (@dandebuf) August 4, 2016