Every couple knows that one of the largest steps in a relationship (you know, apart from getting married to each other) is moving in together. You’re with that person 24/7 and all your space is now their space, so you better have a really good relationship with them. Or, you know, have known them for less than a week.
Introducing: Hunger Games, relationship edition.
It’s around here that our couples start dropping like flies drunk on their own drama, aka my favourite time.
Christie definitely has the biggest move to make, shacking up with Mark in his remote countryside farm. Not only does Christie have to live and adjust to this new place, but it’s a new place away from EVERY other place. It’s almost immediately apparent to Christie that if Mark is a serial killer, no one will know for months when she’s murdered out here. But I’m sure it’s fine, as we’re constantly reminded their relationship is based on science, plus Mark doesn’t look smart enough to be a killer (or is that just what he wants us to think?!)
Christie hates the house almost as much as she hates her new hubby, remarking that it reminds her of her old school. That should set the mood for the resurrection of the Great Wall of Christie.
It’s pretty cute watching all the guys trying to spruce up their places with the nice putting out of flowers, lighting of incense, and hiding of porn. Bachelor’s gotta do what a bachelor’s gotta do, and you know they must be desperate if they went of this show.
Unfortunately, as the rose tinted lenses begin to slip from their face, Simone and Xavier start to realise how boring they both are. At first, it seems that an identity crisis is inbound, but then they just blame each other instead. Despite all the big “routine” talk at the wedding, it seems that a boring monotonous life isn’t cutting it for Simone.
Failing to understand and process what exactly started the only fight on the show so far, Clare continues to make fun of Jono’s crocodile fears. That’s some nice logical reasoning, Clare.
Since she’s such a supportive partner, Clare very kindly went out and purchased a crocodile shirt and squeaky toy, for a man with an established anger problem. Jono awkwardly laughs as his wife (aka the crazy dog lady) continues to disregard his feelings.
I love Erin and Bryce, I do, but Erin has never lived out of home before. After living in exactly the same place all her life, Erin, who is also the youngest of all the newly weds, is now going to be living independently with a complete stranger. Oh, errr, I mean her husband.
Despite this, Erin actually handles things pretty well. She makes Bryce
coffee in the morning, they go on trip together, it’s fucking adorable! Of course, it does help that situation that Bryce had a card, flowers and a Milkybar waiting for Erin, you know, because he is the greatest human ever.
Erin even decides she is going to cook Bryce a meal and goes grocery shopping for THE FIRST TIME EVER! Ooooo, what will you be making Erin? Something simple and tasty? Nah, better make lasagna, the hardest thing ever.
Poor Erin doesn’t even know what basil is and calls her mum about 5 billion times throughout the shopping and cooking process. Honestly, it’s just sort of sad. Eventually, her mum actually stops answering the phone. Erin aced the lasagna (eventually, thanks to her mum) and it turns out it’s Bryce’s fav meal (nyawwwww). Team Berycein continues to be #couplegoals.
Back at the ranch, Christie is starting to succumb to Stockholm syndrome from living in isolation with Mark and Simone wonders if after a week is “the spark gone?” Someone, please get Simone a life.
The real drama going down is with Clare and Jono, or, the worst couple ever. “So, it turns out Jono only cleans his teeth once a day, in the morning,” Clare unfortunately discovers. This is just one of the many little tidbits that the two are finding out about each other. Honestly, once a day brushing would be a deal breaker for me, you put your tongue in there!
Jono also loves watching some dope cartoons, which Clare hates (Clare doesn’t know what the fuck she’s talking about, cartoons are great!). Clare likes teasing Jono with bags of dog shit, which Jono hates. Jono likes throwing tantrums about Clare’s teasing, which Clare hates. I guess in some ways they are perfect for each other, they’re both awful!
As Clare’s incessant teasing and Jono’s tantrums escalate further and further, Clare tries to teach Jono some breathing exercises rather than just addressing her own shitty personality. These exercises actually seem to be actively making him angrier. “I don’t really like being told what to do,” Jono says as he ascends to a new tier of bogan. “I’m too old for this shit,” responds Clare. Ain’t that the truth!
All their dates seem to dissolve into squabbles, and this is definitely the case when they go to have some fancy wine and cheese. Jono starts talking about going to the gym and Clare’s body fat screams “insecurities alert!” Clare is now in full on defense mood, questioning if Jono has dated personal trainers, how he’ll be when she loses her figure after pregnancy, it get’s more and more intense. When Jono points out that Clare has just turned a general discussion into a personal attack on her (rekt), Clare loses it completely. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom, you have fun at
the gym with the receptionist.” Wut.
Later on the beach as the two try to ignore the growing dysfunction of their union, Clare says Jono has a temper tantrum everyday. Jono proceeds to have a temper tantrum.
“Every day? Let’s go through ‘em,” he demands. “‘Cause I’d love to know. ‘Cause I reckon you’re over-exaggerating it and I’m not gonna put up with that. I’m not gonna sit here and be portrayed that I go through a temper tantrum every single day. That’s sh*t that you would do that. Right there. That’s really sh*t of you. I’ll pack up. And you can walk if you like.”
“God, you’re a stubborn son of a bitch,” Clare responds.
And following that, it looks like the pair have split. When Clare got home, Jono’s stuff was gone and the dream could well be over.
Next week, we’ll find out which couple splits for good (I don’t know about you guys but I think I could make a pretty good bet) and watch Erin and Clare get in a row. Looking forward to it!