After the positive outlook for the two couples at the end of last night’s episode, tonight’s episode of Married at First Sight had a different theme: beautiful people are happy together and everyone else is full of regret.

First, the cameras caught up with my personal dream couple, TEAM BERYCEIN! Just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Opening the door on the couple, Bryce gave the ringing endorsement of “so far so good”, but the two looked fairly cozy together. You know, at least for two complete strangers.

Mark and Christie made it through the night, safely protected from each other’s naughty parts by what Mark has dubbed as The Great Wall of Christie.

So with relations between the four still awkwardly cringey, it’s time to meet the new couples:

First there’s Jono. Jono is 28 and a man’s man. He plays footy on the weekend, he actually referred to his house as his “castle“, and his friends have accents so Australian the make my ears hurt. Oh, and Jono is the long lost clone of Ryan “Fitzy” Fitzgerald.

This basically solidifies what I already knew, that an army of lizard men trained in football and being wankers will slowly destroys us all. Jono specifies that his dream lady will be a petite brunette. So that’s probably bed news for 6 foot blonde Clare. Apart from some REALLY bad karaoke footage, not a lot is said about 32 year old Clare, except that she can be a bit bossy and she “just adores the ridiculous.” Which is lucky for her because this show is sliding further and further into the realm of complete cray cray.

Next we meet Xavier, who restores faith in people everywhere that yes, there is a god, since no one this good looking exists on accident. when he isn’t running X-Men, 26 year old Xavier is a sales manager, who is worried he’s not taken seriously and says “I do find people judge me on the way I look.” Yeah Xavier, it must really suck being a total hottie.

Xavier is paired with fellow attractive person, 29 year old Simone, ensuring children with superior genes for generations to come. Although at first glance it may seem like the only thing Xavier and Simone have in common is the fact they’re gorgeous, the “love experts” insist they are #meant2b

First of all, when going through the houses of Simone and Xavier, the experts notice that they both have very neat closets.

No, I’m not joking, this is one of two points they’re basing this relationship on. Also, I’m a disgusting human being with the world’s messiest

closet but if people were coming over, I might clean it up a bit. So does that mean I’m made for Xavier too? A girl can dream…

The other thing the two have in common is that they were both cheated on in their last relationship, so that’s a conversation starter. In fact, Simone’s only had one serious relationship: it lasted three and a half years and she found out he cheated on her the day after he bought her a wedding ring. Oh well, what a bummer, GUESS SHE BETTER JUST MARRY A STRANGER THEN!

Simone and Xavier’s wedding is pretty anti-climatic: once they both see each other and understand how good looking their partner is, they’re very happy. It is kind of cute when Xavier starts to tear up at Simone’s speech, but they’ve got nothing on Berycin. They spend the rest of their evening discussing meal plans and gym routines, making me kind of hate their guts. It’s hard to illustrate just how dull they seem so you can read their conversation for yourself:

Simone: “I’m in such a routine. I’m big on that.”

Xavier: “I’m in such a routine as well!”

Simone: “You’re fully routine?!”

Xavier: “100%! Like, I leave at the same time each day.”

Simone: “Same! And I have to be really prepared about my food and stuff. Like, I prep meals on Sunday.”

Xavier: “THAT’S MAD.”

Yeah, it’s all just so mad.

This greatly displeases me. I’m not here to watch fit people be happy. I wanna see some drama, damn it! Thankfully, Clare and Jono deliver.

Clare celebrates her “last night as a single woman” even though it almost definitely won’t be. In the car to the wedding, she’s getting more and more excited, saying she wants “to be able to have a marriage that lasts forever.” And I want to scream her to get a real marriage then!

Meanwhile, Jono is FREAKING OUT, and starts dropping f-bombs in the wedding venue, giving it that ultimate sense of class and it seems more and more like Clare called it when she speculated this would be an amusing train wreck for everyone watching.

Finally, Jono turns to see his bride walk down the aisle, a moment which is usually one of the happiest in a person’s life.

“ughhhhh shit…” he says.

Jono could not be any less happy and begins muttering his regrets to himself, which is even more awkward because I’m pretty sure Clare could hear him. Clare seems fine, quite taken in with the sight of a certain famous footballer and radio personality. Jono, however, pulls out this amazing line: “she’s not what I ordered.”

Despite the mix up in the kitchen, Jono and Clare still say their I dos

and after Clare does what can only be described as her personal comedy routine, Jono even starts to like her. “She’s quick minded,” he says. Good observation, Jono.

Probably one of my favourite scenes is when Clare and Jono are joking around the table and Clare thinks the joke is that they’re both pretending to be bogans, but Jono clearly isn’t pretending. He then also starts calling her by “woman” and feminists everywhere weep.

And so, another two couples have joined the party. The really shitty, party.

Next week: the honeymoon