Once again proving their complete lack of respect for the sanctity of marriage and throwing sand in the faces of all non-hetero couples who cannot legally wed, Channel Nine has brought out yet another season of their car-crash of a program, Married at First Sight. That’s right, your secret guilty pleasure is back with four brand new couples to watch hopelessly fail at their arranged marriages.
To start off the episode, we revisit one of last season’s couples, Alex and Zoe, who are still going strong one year on. A one year relationship?! They must be made for each other!
As if to encourage the audience about the legitimacy of the program (because it is based on science, damn it!), Alex and Zoe discuss how well their relationship has been progressing, even in the face of the terrible divorce rates of our generation. While one in three marriages end in divorce, they remained together. Although, that would mean that on Married at First Sight, one in four marriages don’t end in divorce…
Enter this season’s players…
Christie is a 39-year-old who wants a baby badly. Having been single for two and a half years (which is basically the same as forever), Christie decides the only way her old arse is getting preggers is by marrying a complete stranger. Well, it’s that or taking up her creepy father’s offer to freeze her eggs. Thanks Dad!
Mark is 36 years old and has just moved to the country to work as a farmer. Which is fabulous because when their marriage inevitably fails Channel Nine has another farmer for The Farmer Wants a Wife set up. Now that’s forward thinking!
Next we meet 25-year-old Erin who can’t cook, clean, live out of home or make her own toast, explaining that “my mum does everything for me!” Geez Erin, and you’re single WHY?! She goes on to clarify that she is “sarcastic”, “blunt”, and has “no filter”, further selling herself as a real catch.
We see little of 31-year-old Bryce: apparently he wasn’t dysfunctional enough. But never fear, we have our matches! Mark and Christie, and Bryce and Erin!
“This is not a marriage in the legal sense,” one of the very professional love psychologists clarifies, which could beg the question: what’s even the point? However, the psychologist explains that in order to feel the responsibility of marriage a faux ceremony must be held and so, preparations are made.
When the couples explain their plans to their family and friends, most burst out laughing – which seems like the most reasonable reaction to have. Luckily for Erin though, her’s are supportive enough to come dress shopping with her, helping her rule out gowns that look like bejeweled diagram of the uterus,
And ones that simply give her “fat cans”, and not in a good way…
Meanwhile, Christie describes EXACTLY what hubby Mark will be like, demonstrating that she definitely hasn’t built this up in her head at all and has set completely reasonable expectations for a husband who she met on a reality TV show. I mean, he just has to be “European, good looking and worldly.” No biggie, Mark.
When Erin makes it to the venue, she’s out of the limo for about 10 minutes before she ditches her patient guests to hop back in and finish off that free champagne. Girl, I feel you. This is why you don’t marry strangers. And always stock extra booze.
Eventually making it in (although not before breaking out in REALLY uncomfortable looking hives), Erin and Bryce tie the knot with much awkwardly cute fumbling and you begin to feel a sense of warmth for the two. They even hold hands to calm each other’s nerves! Oh no, am I becoming emotionally invested in this bullshit?
Yes. Their wedding photos, stolen pecks and general acceptance by family and friends seals the deal. I love them now. They are adorable! Erin even goes as far as looking quite anxious to get back to Bryce when pulled away for an individual interview, saying “I just want to go back to him.” DAWWWWWWW!
Things are WAY less chummy for Christie and Mark who, when asked to look into each other’s eyes, can’t even maintain a steady gaze for a solid 5 seconds. This is mostly because Christie would rather be literally anywhere other than here. Is it because she hates Mark? Maybe. Does it also have anything to do with the genius who planned this wedding on a boat? Definitely. Imagine being seasick on your own fake wedding. What a bummer.
More than nauseous though, Christie just isn’t feeling “it”. I’m almost mad at her for expecting love at first sight to be real, but then I remember she came on this show and is already a moron. The real clincher is when she says that “if he was online I would have swiped past him.” And then, when asked the big question (do you?) Christie says “I do to the best I can. I’m just being honest.” Rekt.
Christie can’t even make it through the cute wedding photos and declares a time out, saying she’s sick; she’s probably just intimidated by Mark’s huge nose.
Erin and Bryce on the other hand are getting along so well that their mothers meld into the same person, sealing the family union once and for all, complete with finishing each other’s sentences.
Finally, one of Erin’s “peroxide blonde bitches” (her pet name for them) pops the questions so quietly that Erin thinks the mics won’t pick it up and happily answers. Oh Erin, TV is going to break you.
Interestingly, things improved drastically for Mark and Christie when Mark pulled out the grade A dad jokes. “I know a lot of you have flown in from all over the country. So hopefully your arms aren’t too tired,” he says, to which Christie genuinely loses her mind.
Ultimately, by the end of the evening things looked pretty optimistic for the two couples. Although Christie did create this impressive anti-sex pillow wall on the marital bed.
The Twittersphere reacted, naturally, very tactfully.
Check out what the rest of Australia thinks here and tune in tomorrow for the next exciting installment of Bad Life Decisions: Wedding Addition.