After the debut FBoy Island episode recap last week, we’re back to see which men know what makeup is. I’m not holding my breath.
We kick off Episode 2 by letting Caleb — a man who looks like he’ll befriend a ball and call him Wilson any day now — back to FBoy Island.
Joy.
The leading girls — Nicole, Ally and Krystal — are having a debrief about the last elimination where Joe was almost booted for treating Ally like second best to Nicole.
Nicole is off him but Ally? She’s pondering whether or not she’ll give him another chance. Perhaps the group date will give her what she needs?
The group date
The FBOY Island men will be taking part in a challenge called the BDE games — an acronym some of them need spelt out (literally).
Have these blokes never heard of Pete Davidson?
Jerome — the croc-wearing hero with the mullet — tells all of Australia that he has a “two-inch terror”. It sounds like a Dreamworld ride and you know what, I’d wait in line for it.
After finding out there are people on this show named D’Art, Jack — the pretty and “intrinsic” one — draws blood. Don’t worry. Jack and his pecks will continue pumping because he is fine.
Doug has proved what we all suspected to be true by asking host Abbie Chatfield if the clit is a “pussy hole”.
It’s not.
Ally grants Aaron (the one Krystal may or may not have sucked off) the BDE prize and we’re just glad to see her give some love to anyone who isn’t Joe.
Did you know that Joe wanks two-three times a day? Neither (nor did I want to).
The group date (continued)
The date has continued into the night and Ally’s talking a lot about a man I thought she’d written off (Joe).
Krystal has taken a liking to Jerome which is great news for all of the viewers obsessed with him (me).
Jerome tells Krystal he is sweating his “ring” out which I imagine is code for anus (but not to be confused with the clitoris).
Did you know that Jerome has a nickname? Oh, yes. It’s “sex fingers” but not because he can send you wild with his hand (unconfirmed) but because he fucks everything he touches. Like ruins things. I think.
MORE. OF. JEROME. IMMEDIATELY.
Nicole has pulled Joe away to tell him that a) she’s wearing makeup and b) actually, no, not every breathing female likes you.
This prompts Joe to now prioritise Ally which is a little late because she’s now interested in Aaron, the one who’s showing her his dick size with a measuring tape.
Nicole has redirected her attention to Sean. Did you know that Sean only recently started going to the hairdresser without his mum? He’s very shy, he tells her.
He and Nicole kiss but I’ve never enjoyed watching two people kiss less.
Meanwhile, Krystal is making her way through the comedic relief on this show. Why does Doug say one thing when his body is very clearly thinking another?
Fuck all of our lives because Caleb has taken off his wig to re-enter FBoy Island as a bartender. I would’ve said “thank fuck” if it wasn’t for Krystal’s revelation that she sent the man sexy voice memos.
This is confusing to me not just because I’ve never sent a sexy voice note in my life but because the man said what he said.
Krystal wants to talk to him which makes me think that the voice memo wasn’t just a 3am lapse in judgement. He dribbles some shit about being ready to settle.
“It’s time. I can’t keep being a hoe,” Caleb reckons.
This man? Reformed? I think not.
Guess what! Joe does like Ally! He says it was their date that solidified it and definitely not the fact that Nicole told him she’s not keen a whole five minutes ago.
Oh now they’re making out again and I’m as worried about her wrist as I am her heart.
The Single Dates
Nicole and Sean parasail before floating around in some water. Sean asks Nicole if she wants “the cool story” or “the truth” about his scar.
She chose the cool story — which I thought implied that it would be a lie — and then is shocked when he lies. So easily!
Krystal’s waxing Jerome’s chest for their date and this is the best television I’ve ever seen.
Jerome feels hot, sexy and groovy around Krystal which is a good thing considering I thought he’d feel red, raw and tortured.
Ally, however, is too dickmatised by Joe to give Aaron the time of day.
FBoy Island Elimination
A bunch of dudes I’ve never heard of are up for elimination, including a guy wearing a kiwi fruit shirt who reads out a “freestyle” poem to Nicole.
Then some other bloke plays an instrument in an effort to stay – only for Kiwifruit shirt to interrupt with his backing vocals.
“You’ve had your turn,” the instrument player bites.
Another man — Vincent — gets called out for reading the ladies’ palms and basically declaring them witches. This is good news because he ends up both leaving and being an FBoy.
D’art (Nice Guy) and Eddy (FBoy) also leave.
The episode finishes with Krystal asking producers if Caleb is “on the menu” and this has hurt me on a physical level.
See you next Monday for the next FBoy Island recap but until then, you can find me on Instagram.
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