FBoy Island 2024 has landed and no one’s happier than me to see a big burning dick on the sand to kick off the Season 2 recaps.

This season we have three new leading ladies tasked with figuring out if the men vying for their love are FBoys or Nice Guys.

Choose wrong and they’ll be rorted out of the prize money.

First we have Nicole, a model who is asking the bare minimum from a man: to be heard and not just seen.

Krystal (who you remember from The Bachelors) is on the hunt for a “mid” — AKA a six of out 10 — because they’re fabulous at licking pussy.

Ally, our final leading lady, has dated “devil dick” — AKA Vernon Lyon from FBoy Island Season 1. She doesn’t even need to say his name.

Our host and saviour Abbie Chatfield is ready to introduce the ladies to the men of FBoy Island, but first they must finish the last leg of the 14-km City2Surf.

First the boys are introduced to Nicole and it is immediately obvious that they have smelt model (and perfect underboob) because they cannot control their dick energy of varying sizes.

Next up is Krystal. She has placed second in City2Surf at two hours and 12 minutes, only to see a familiar face from the Gold Coast.

However, the guy she may or may not have rooted at Toolies isn’t the one she’s got her eyes set on. While she’s adamant about a mid who bothers to find the clit, she has instead chosen “the hot one”.

No, she literally called him that, in order to clarify that she’s not talking about this guy.

Ally places third for City2Surf, finishing at two hours and 19 minutes. She also has her eyes on The Hot One.

The ladies and the men then head back to their respective villas where it becomes apparent that Frank has been declared as an FBoy by literally everyone.

Why? He was handsy with Krystal and… as for the guys? I think they just reckon he’s a toss.

Meanwhile, The Hot One has decided he likes Nicole the best.

Back at the women’s HQ, Abbie is getting to know the ladies better.

Ally confirms dirty dog Vernon dropped the L-word on her before going on a bender and blocking her.

Ally’s revenge? Implying to all of Australia he has a small dick.

Krystal opens up about being the child of an FBoy. Her father cheated on her mum while she was pregnant with Krystal and now she feels like she has a responsibility to stop the chain.

We love Krystal and this is a powerful story. FBoys think their behaviour is funny but it actually can be really fucking traumatic. OK?

“My Fboy radar? Unmatched,” Krystal says.

The bonfire

Once Jerome (the one who wears Crocs) shares that likes “licking ass” and “eating ass” (just like Flume), the FBoy Island crew head to a bonfire.

Krystal confirms she may have “sucked” off that guy from the Gold Coast but does not confirm if it was on Cavill Ave. Her memory is really failing her for someone who writes FBoy reminders in her notebook.

So far we know that the guy who wore a leather jacket on an island called her the wrong name and the guy who was on The Amazing Race isn’t sure if he wants to give up the single life.

We also know that everyone’s obsessed with Nicole, even though we all know she is going to choose The Hot One.

Sadly The Hot One is also The Dense One because he tells a woman wearing a full face of makeup that she’s a “natural beauty”.

Nicole reminds him of the makeup she is wearing, while looking at him with the same eyes lined with eyeliner and shaded with glitter.

“Doesn’t look like it,” he responds. Does this man think we came out of the womb looking like Mila Kunis in her Black Swan era?

Someone open their TikTok and show this man a GRWM.

Thankfully another man named Nick takes over and he knows the word “intrinsic” so please, do not be fooled by his earlier peck pumping.

Krystal, who was once on The Bachelors, has taken a liking to Paddy, who was once on The Bachelorette.

“Paddy, he isn’t the hottest,” Krystal says and my heart breaks from him watching this back right now.

Krystal can sense an anaconda in those pants so she gives him a pash with so much tongue it requires a KFC wet clean up towel.

“I love how you played with my tongue,” he tells her and I may just vomit on my television screen.

In other areas of the party, a man with tatoos decides to dry-root Nicole’s foot and Frank is trying to convince Krystal he’s a nice guy because his ex slept with his mate behind his back.

That doesn’t make you a nice guy, it just means you have fucked friends.

It’s time to choose who the ladies will be taking on their first dates.

Nicole chooses Jack (the man who can both use big words and pop his pecks), Krystal chooses Frank (to try and determine his FBoy status once and for all) and Ally goes for The Hot One (The Christian Who Has Sex Before Marriage AKA The Man Who Thinks Women Were Born With Eyeliner).

The first dates

Ally is wet. She’s dickmatised by The Hot One’s past four-year relationship and ability to talk nicely about his ex.

Then he slips his tongue in like the good Christian boy he is.

Meanwhile, Krystal is embracing her inner Cavill Ave by sharing a vodka cruiser with Frank after making him run around a sunflower garden naked.

Nicole and Jack jetski, talk about how much they like each other and then slip their tongues in both on dry land and in the sea.

We finish off our dates portion of the episode by Ally finding out that The Hot One liked Nicole first and would like to still get to know her considering he’s known Ally a full three minutes.

Ally cries.

The elimination

The girls have taken to their directors chairs for their first FBoy Island elimination.

A bunch of people we hardly know are up for elimination, plus Frank, that foot fucker, The Hot One (!!!) and that Jake dude who you recognise from The Amazing Race. Sadly The Amazing Race dude already left (probably to go on another reality TV show).

Only the foot fucker and Jin leave. Jin is the one who told Nicole she was stunning. Sorry, that didn’t narrow it down, did it?

Jin and his slutty ankles are an Fboy but the dry foot fucker is a Nice Guy!

One down, many to go. I’ll be writing FBoy Island Season 2 recaps the entire season so I’ll see you here next Monday but until then, you can follow me on Instagram.

Watch FBoy Island on BINGE.

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