Well, kids. Give yourself a pat on the back. We’ve made it to episode 36, a.k.a the FINAL Married at First Sight Australia 2023 episode, the Reunion Part Deux.

This year has seen some of the most chaotic gaslighting, narcism and drama we’ve ever seen on MAFS and that was just (~AlLEgeDly~) by Harrison…

And as the narrator reminded us: “Each participant came with the same dream…” to not be f**ked over on National Television.

Now, after weeks of Commitment Ceremonies, Dinner Parties, a Couples Retreat, partner-swapping, intimacy challenges and arguing, the EXPERIMENT (according to Cameron) came to an explosive end.

During this blessed episode, the Experts — John Aiken, Mel Schilling and Alessandra Rampolla, welcomed the 24 participants back to the couch to not only find out where they stand with another, but for John to rinse the Grooms one last time…

Here’s everything that happened during the MAFS Reunion

After watching a recap of ALL the weddings, it was time to get our first couple up to the couch. And spoiler alert. They are actually a couple.

Tahnee and Ollie — no notes

Golly gosh. These two.

Never in the experiment have we seen such a perfect couple grace our screens.

While Tahnee and Ollie swear they’ve had arguments, like all Insta-worthy couples, we got the highlight reel. But it’s OK, because they are goddamn perfect and are now officially boyfie and girlfie!

After being asked about the “status” of their relo (like they’ve just become FaceBook official in 2010) Tahnee and Ollie are soooooo ~HaPpY~!!

Then, after “quaking like a duck” during Final Vows, this year’s blessed pair announced they were in love. CUTE!

When asked by Expert Mel how she sees the future, Tahnee said that she was “excited” before Ollie revealed he was moving to Sydney.

“It’s daunting as hell, but there’s a part of me that’s in Sydney now, and that’s Tahnee,” he said. AWWWWW! There is LOVE all around.

While we likey them a lot, we know that this is NOT setting a standard for the rest of the evening…

Sandy and Dan face the Experts

We wonder if there’s an ocean somewhere Dan can run off to?

Expert John reveals that he was “disappointed” because they had “thought long and hard” about putting them together. Given the 2.5 seconds of screen-time that it took for them to decide on this couple, it was really sh** that they couldn’t make it work.

John then added that there was “a lot” that they liked about them as a couple and had been “excited”; however, the same could not be said for Sandy and Dan…

Firstly, Sandy is not made up of the ocean and secondly, Dan got with someone else from their wedding. LEL.

When asked why she thought they didn’t work, Sandy said: “Dan never came here with the right intentions,” while, butting in as per usual, Dan said: “Hand on heart, I did”…

But Dan, we all know that when someone says “hand on heart”, they’re crossing their fingers with the other one behind their back.

Sandy thinks that Dan would have tried harder if he actually meant it, but he was adamant there were “a lot of differences”.

Expert John then decides to bring up the goddamn boys night which implicated both Hugo and Dan — dredging up the butt dial which may or may not have happened.

The infamous butt-dial was dredged up and Expert John had receipts

First we were shown old footage of Evelyn talking to Rupert about the infamous butt dial and then more clips of the godforsaken Dinner Party, which we already had to witness…

Bu– WAIT. A SECOND. What’s this?! Expert John a.k.a the real MVP of the season, has RECEIPTS and Dan is f**ked.

In a never-before-seen conversation, Hugo tells a producer that he didn’t want to “throw anyone under the bus”, before physically throwing Dan under said bus.

“Dan was saying, ‘I can’t stand her, but I keep saying yes to try and make it to the end..,'” Hugo reveals, adding that Dan had also said: “She is the last person I’d be attracted to, she’s 100% not my type. All that kind of stuff.”

After the revelation was over and an excruciating ad break, Dan was NOT happy, Jan Hugo and was ready to throttle his fellow Groom.

“Holy sh**,” Lyndall says. And HOLY SH** is right!

Dan stares at Hugo for an uncomfortable amount of time before Sandy says: “Stop looking at Hugo. I know what you’re doing. Stop intimidating him!”

Wishing the ocean would bring a wave that would engulf his entire body, Dan protested: “No, I’m not.”

Sandy then says that she has dealt with him for “two months” (is it just us, or does this timeframe keep changing?!) and added: “I know exactly what you do.” OOOOOOOOOFT.

“Nothing he does surprises me anymore, I’ve spent enough time with him,” she tells the Experts and sorry, is he on par with Cam and Harrison?!

Hugo explains what was said during the boys night out

Expert John, who has not cracked a smile, then throws Hugo under the bus, asking when this sh** was said.

“We were down at Opera Bar,” he says and don’t you dare bring a National Icon into this!!! Hugo then admits he led the charge bagging out his own bride Tayla with the full support of the other grooms, and Dan had said it was “Friends at First Sight”, which is weird because friends don’t behave like petulant children.

“You said you might have felt hard done by…” he says to Dan. The poor guy. He had to stammer through the confession he was forced to make on camera… the same place he admitted it the first time.

Dan does “not recall” being an ass**le

Expert John then asks Dan to come clean.

“I don’t recall saying it,” he says, lying through his teeth, before John interrupts him.

“When you say you ‘don’t recall’…”

“Word-for-word?” Dan asks. No, honey. Just make it up. 🙄

“When you say ‘you don’t recall’, that suggests it absolutely could have happened,” John says and man, he is sooooooo tired of their sh**.

Sandy then brings up the fact that Dan slept with her and while he spins some BS about “being connected”, she said that he knew what that meant for her, i.e. giving her false hope about a future together.

Dan’s alleged bedroom talk and John has had enough

Apparently he also said such charming things like: “I don’t understand why you only want to get intimate in the dark”, “I’m not vibing with this, Sandy” and this pearler: “I date girls who walk around in skimpy clothes.” F**KING HELL.

After denying everything, Claire pipes up: “Dan, just say sorry. Take some accountability. You’re a grown ass 48-year-old man. Act like it.”

Dan then says he was attracted to Sandy at first but then as they “continued to get to know each other”, that attraction “plateaued”. SHUT UP, DAN.

Then this from John: “Dan, I have sat here tonight counting the amount of times ‘no’ comes out of your mouth, and it is A LOT. It means, as a result of anything she says the first reaction from you is, ‘no’, it dismisses her… it invalidates her opinions and it makes her feel small and insignificant. I thought I better tell you that, because I don’t know whether you know that. It’s gotta stop.” JOHN AIKEN FOR THE GOLD LOGIE!!!!!!

“I didn’t realise,” Dan says. It’s called self-awareness, hun!

John then tells him to take a “better approach”.

Expert Mel then asks Sandy if she regretted coming into the experiment. While her parents didn’t support her decision, she did say that one of the “biggest takeaways” was seeing the love her parents gave her when she needed to be built back up.

“We wish you both the best for your future relationships,” Expert Mel then said through gritted teeth.

Melinda and Layton — the “power couple”

Melinda and Layton are next to take a seat on the couch, which is annoying because we all know how their story ended and this episode could have been 20 minutes shorter.

But instead, we have to hear their journey from hating each other, to liking each other, to loving each other and arguing everyday in between.

After replaying their ~jOuRnEy~ Expert Mel says their relationship has not been linear. “It’s been tough.” Noooo sh**.

Melinda says that when she didn’t feel the initial spark, she didn’t think Layton was her mans, however, apparently they are a “good example” of people who do the work and “get a happy ending”.

Layton thanks the Experts, while Melinda sees a future of marriage and kids with him.

Cute. NEXT!

Lyndall and Cam are up next and this should be…good

“We had such high hopes,” Expert John tells Lyndall and Cameron, before saying that after watching the Dinner Party the night before, that there was “a lot of pain” there.

He then asks Lyndall how she could possibly be sitting next to the man that was sexting Tayla. Apparently, being back in the room feels “painful”, however, Cameron has no feelings.

The former couple are then shown a package of their blossoming relo before the producer’s decide to smack Cam’s love of Tayla in their faces.

For Lyndall, the “worst part was watching the start”.

“All the affection stuff was there and then it wasn’t… I had a lot of hope for us,” she said. Didn’t we all!

Cam then said that because of the “pressure”, he felt like he was being someone “that I wasn’t”.

“I think that affection flows naturally when you’re falling in love with someone. I’m sorry to say, but I wasn’t!”

Lyndall then says it was “hurtful” because he should have told her he was feeling that way.

Expert Mel asks for clarification and Cam gives it in the only way he knows how

Expert Mel then asks for “clarification” on last night’s #Taylam debacle.

“I got me d**k out at a nightclub,” he says. Charming.

“Yes, so we understand,” Expert Mel says. “That wasn’t my question. But thanks for sharing!”

TBF, she didn’t really ask what clarification was needed…

Expert John:

Expert Mel then says she’s actually interested in the “nature” of his relo with Tayla. While we absolutely do not want to hear about this anymore… it looks like we have to.

Cam then says, once again, that there’s “nothing goin’ on there” and that it was a “piss take after Final Vows”.

Still uninterested that he was, in fact, naked in a nightclub, Expert Mel wanted to know why he was on the phone to Tayla.

“Because I’m mates with Tayla,” he says and bro. We did this last night.

“You are just trying to dig up… there’s nothing there,” he says.

Tayla basically outs them with one word. “Yet”

Then Expert Mel turns to Tayla…..

Tayla started strong, admitting that she “really likes” Cam…”as a friend” and this don’t look like you’re just friends!!

“It hasn’t been explored… yet,” Tayla says before realising that she’s outed them. “Not that it is going to be explored.”

“F**K,” Tayla says. “Oh, no!” LOL. BUSTED!!!!

Tayla then reveals that if Cam were in Tassie “then perhaps”, but we all know his love of Darwin would prevent this.

“Nail in the coffin,” Cam says. LOL. You’re damn right.

Lyndall then calls their relationship a “missing piece” and said her “gut” told her “there was something in that for sure”. Always trust yo gut, ladies (and gents)!

Cam reckons he wasn’t ready for a relationship and this could have been useful information

Cam then spouts more BS about not being ready for a relationship and “that’s the core of the issue right there.” WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MEN?!

Finally, Expert Alessandra says more than two words: “I so wish we’d all known that before going down this road for Lyndall,” she said before asking why Cam wanted to stay.

For some unknown reason he says: “The Final Vows said a lot.” BRO, that was AT THE END.

“There were parts where I wanted to stay and parts where I didn’t,” he said.

Lyndall, infuriated, said it was “incredibly hurtful” to which Cam replied: “I think not falling in love with someone is perfectly fine.” NOT THE POINT, BROSEPH!

“Your behaviour wasn’t fine,” she says.

Expert Mel then tells Cam he has had “quite a casual reaction to something that is quite deep and meaningful and it feels a little bit dismissive.”

“What? The way I’m sitting?!” he asks.

“No, not the way you’re sitting, MATE,” she says. MAAAAATE.

Lyndall then tells him that he’s had not much care for the way he has hurt her and then TELLS HIM TO “DO BETTER”! YESSSS, LYNDALL!!

“Be better,” she continues. “Have some f**king integrity.”

“Righto,” he says. “Rightio, gotcha.” F**KING HELL.

WHAT A WASTE OF TIME!

From Hell to Heller-er. Alyssa and Duncan are up next

After Alyssa and Duncan sit down on the couch, Expert Alessandra asks if Alyssa had time to “reflect” on the “emotion” from the FINAL final Dinner Party.

Once again, she talks about being “shocked” by Duncan ending their relationship.

Expert John then asks Duncan if it was “confronting” for him to see her so angry, and he said he “doesn’t hold anything against her”…. except for the fact that she goes for his “character”.

Duncan then tells the Experts that Alyssa told him to take his “mask off” and Layton’s reaction was excessive, given he was there when she said it.

Beating a dead horse, Alyssa reckons she said it because he “led” her through the experiment wanting to work it out, and because she “didn’t expect” to be dumped, she “didn’t know who he was”.

“That’s not fair,” Duncan says. “My heart was in it. I wanted it to work.”

Expert John then decides it’s a good time to recap their relationship.

All we hear is “I have a child” and “I can see you every day except Monday-Sunday”…

“It’s not everyday you can watch a whole relationship crumble in front of your face,” she said before saying that “she should have seen it coming”.

FINALLY, Alyssa was given the gift of awareness and said she shouldn’t have been so emotionally charged or walk away as much as she did.

“I do regret a lot of things,” and honestly, props to her for recognising this. “I never wanted to hurt Duncan, so I really am sorry.”

Duncan’s final words: “I’m sorry that it didn’t work out. We’re broken up but I still want to say that you’re an amazing woman…”

Ok, this wasn’t as dramatic as we thought it was gonna be. NEXT.

Like a knowing school teacher, Expert Mel calls Jesse and Claire to the couch

Firstly, can we just say that there’s only just under 23 minutes for Harrison to get his comeuppance, so we’re not sure why they’re focusing on these two, but anyway…

Claire admits she’s “nervous” and Expert Alessandra says the “energy and respect and love” is lovely, asking how on earth they made it here.

Crediting Jesse, Claire said “forgiveness is a choice” and that even though she goddamn kissed Adam, he respected her enough to explore things.

Expert John says Jesse seems like a “changed man”, and he admits he “could have thought more before speaking”.

The participants are then forced to watch the excruciating rollercoaster of their relationship and Claire says it was “really hard to watch”.

“I feel really disgusted in myself, in some of my behaviour. By lying, by gaslighting Jesse and telling him he has nothing to worry about, when I knew that he did. Yeh, it’s pretty sh**.”

Jesse admitted that he “liked” Claire enough to “get jealous”, “cry over the bad news” and “to forgive her to the point” which he did.

Then Expert John said: “Adam”

No thank you. We did not want anymore.

“Adam, when you watched that back. The betrayal, the deceit. What does that do to you?

“I did you dirty, the same with Janelle,” Adam said, apologising to Jesse.

Then, after 45 seconds, Jesse accepts the apology. Cool. But where is Expert John calling out Harrison?!

Even though he f**cking hated anything to do with spirituality and crystals, Jesse says that he’s learned to trust his intuition and also, that he “can be better” — which is more than we can say for Cam.

Even though he thought he was a good guy going into the experiment, now he knows he can be a “better guy!” We LOVE you, Jesse!

Claire says the experiment “shone a light” on her behaviours, that she was “seeking validation from outside sources” and that it’s “not the way to go about it.”

“The end of the experiment was the beginning of a new leaf and I want to be able to continue that.”

Claire then admits that she “loves who Jesse is as a person” and has “a lot of great feelings” about him.

THEN….

Jesse reveals that CLAIRE IS GOING TO GODDAMN PERTH and even Expert John was sah happy.

HOLY SH**T. That’s the end you guys.

THE ACTUAL END. Clearly John had no parting words for Harrison… which sucks, but cute they ended on a high note.

And after 36 episodes, Married at First Sight Australia 2023 has officially ended.

Until next year… and we are not ready.

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