Financial domination (findom) is one of the most widely misunderstood sexual fetishes.

It can be confusing for both parties who engage in it, and those who’ve had no experience. There are several stereotypes floating around such as:

• What a findom is
• What a financial submissive (finsub) wants
• The ridiculous idea that it’s a good way for girls to make easy money by barely doing anything
• That finsubs are mentally ill people being taken advantage of by greedy girls.

What is financial domination?

One anonymous finsub described it as:

“The demand for and giving of money to another person without an exchange of goods or services”.

It is rare for a sub to only have a financial fetish. If a dominant wants their submissive to keep giving, they’re often going to need to indulge other fetishes every now and again. It’s not simply about the money.

All 58 subs surveyed said they prefer a Domme who is not unduly aggressive, one who gives back, and one they can build up a trusting relationship with. The stereotype of a dominant just wanting to demand money and ignore their submissive is really an inaccurate representation of what financial domination is. Yes, there are some finsubs around that enjoy that, but these are few and far between. You must work for years to establish yourself as a true financial dominant. Getting thousands of dollars from men just willing to hand it over does not just happen overnight.

What aspiring findoms need to know

When I asked findoms one thing they would like aspiring findoms to know, they all said that if you just want to do it for the money, then do something else. Myself and some of the dominants I work with daily in chat rooms often encounter men coming in and calling us gold diggers. They say we don’t dominate for the love of it, but for the money. We often respond saying if it was all about the money, we’d be doing cam work or selling nudes.

Financial domination is a hustle. It’s a numbers game. It takes a lot of time to get inside these guys’ heads and really getting to know them, and exactly what makes them tick. It’s about building relationships. Some financial dominants would even call some of their long-term subs friends. To be a findom, you should already understand BDSM and consent, and you should be a dominant person. You should also be prepared to work at it for hours and hours with little to no returns financially for a very long time. The amount of findoms out there far outweighs the amount of finsubs, so if you’re new to the game and don’t have a presence yet, don’t expect anything too soon. It’s not easy.

Due to the nature of financial domination you will find that experienced, professional Dom/me’s are very careful and considerate of their sub’s budget and what they are withdrawing from them. Most subs know what they can and can’t afford and don’t play beyond their means.

Dr. Michael Aaron, a sexual minority specialist who spoke in a Vice special on financial domination recently, says that most who engage in financial submission are controlled about it. Yes, some might talk about giving their dominant everything and becoming bankrupt as a result, but that tends to be merely fantasy. For someone to actually go through with that fantasy, they must have some other stuff going on mentally that allows for that (financial domination itself not being the cause of self-destruction). Also, we need to get over the idea that blackmail is sexy and fun? Blackmail is a federal crime which is impossible to consent to. Once the definition of the crime has been met, the crime has been committed and blackmail consent contracts are void in a court of law. Just like you can’t consent to being murdered, you can’t consent to being blackmailed.

It’s not all about the money

The online financial domination/professional domination community is one with a myriad of lovely and supportive women and men that I have the pleasure of working with everyday. They are some of my best friends, and we have wonderful relationships with our submissives and care for many of them deeply. We put a lot of research and effort into building our personas and building long-lasting relationships. It’s not all about the money – it’s more about the level of submission and sacrifices our subs make for us. While we do take their money, we give back in other ways. They wouldn’t hang around if we didn’t make it a positive and enjoyable experience for them!

Just because you may not understand or enjoy findom, it doesn’t give you the right to yuck someone’s yum and make them feel ashamed for doing something they consent to and enjoy. Yes, financial domination can become damaging for some if they do it too much, but too much of even a good thing like water can be fatal (and I don’t know of anyone that’s died as a direct result of findom, so you know, findoms got one up there). It’s about doing things in moderation and knowing where to draw the line.

You should also ensure you know what you’re doing and how to do it properly without causing damage. I heard from a friend about a couple she knew who decided to try caning each other, but had no experience, so when he caned her ass he did it too hard and shattered her tail bone! But most people in the kink scene seem to have no issues with impact play despite its potential to cause a great deal of damage if it’s not done properly. Everything has potential to cause damage when you don’t know how to do it properly, but when you do know, it can be the cause of great pleasure.