After a shocker of an episode and three people leaving Paradise (for no real reason), what remains are the same batch of saps on a reality television show which is more like The Hunger Games than a dating show.
We are introduced to two newcomers who we don’t really remember (at all) and it’s becoming increasingly apparent that people are becoming less and less famous as this show ages on. Basically, Rachel and Sasha enter paradise, kick back, relax and start to drink their single sorrows away while Sasha grabs a rose to eat from the garden.
The first thing we hear out of Sasha’s mouth is she was blinded by Apollo’s abs. Can we really blame her? They’re like fog lights. Big meaty fog lights.
Rachel is more into American Jared of whom SHE ACTUALLY KNOWS. Finally! Someone with some taste. American Jared is getting the air time that he deserves. Rachel starts to get a little bit obsessive… she knows a little bit too much about him. I reckon someone should ask her if she knows how to cook rabbit. A bunny boiler she may be.
Meanwhile, Leah is having NONE of these shenanigans as she shoots the biggest dirty at Rachel. Leah’s sass face is back and we’re all enjoying the show.
Keira gets the date card, but we’re over the Jarrod and Keira love saga. It’s like an on off off on off on Broadway production, but low rent without any sunscreen for their actors. Or good actors for that matter.
The date is a footy match with kids, which isn’t really a date at all; it’s just an excuse to run around and see how red Jarrod can get. Keira says, “this’ll be exciting” when we all know what she’s really thinking.
The thing is, we enjoy this date more than we thought we would. Keira is the epitome of a raging soccer mum and we’re all living for it as Jarrod and herself talk about their wanting for kids. Calm down guys. You’ve known each other for literally 5 days.
Meanwhile, Rachel starts to flirt with Apollo, which welcomes ‘Psycho Sim’ to the paradise: Simone’s scary clinger alter-ego.
Simone’s Rachel impersonation is the best thing ever, and her bitterness simply adds to the action. She bitches about the Bunny Boiler with Mum and Dad (Tara and Sam), and what’s even better is that she ends up in a situation where Satan Simone comes out and she has to literally slap herself out of it.
Back to Jarrod and Keira’s date. The stage five clinger wants to introduce Keira to his parents. Everyone watching is literally chanting warnings to Keira to get out of there. It’s cute, but kind of scary. And weird. Very weird.
Later on, Osher walks into the mix. It’s known whenever Osher enters Paradise, something horrible is about to happen. And it does: Osher kidnaps Megan and everyone is kind of unsure what’s going to happen. Jake looks like he’s about to go Liam Neeson on Osher’s ass.
Jared and Rachel have a great deep and meaningful conversation, and we now love American Jared more. However, we can tell that Rachel is definitely off her face. Like plastered. While swimming, she almost falls multiple times and has to cling to Jared to steady herself.
Fun fact, we also found out that American Jared likes The Backstreet Boys. Backstreet’s back alright, and here to stay because American Jared isn’t going anywhere. Leah then walks into the mix, sees the two and wages war on them both.
— BachelorInParadiseAU (@BachParadiseAU) April 17, 2018
All the while, Keira is absolutely loving the drama and has the best evil queen laugh of the season.
We then find out where Megan went. She went all the way to Canada to see Thomas! The eliminated Bachelor from last night. This seems kind of unfair for everyone else who’s been eliminated. Where are their fair go’s? Osher! It’s like having a golden ticket competition, but giving all the golden tickets to one person.
‘Welcome to Osher’s Paradise where there are no rules!’
We find out that Thomas is coming back to Paradise for good and we’re all kind of wondering why.
Megan confesses that Thomas really is her type, and that she’s glad that she’s getting the chance to talk to him. You know who Thomas reminds us off? The guy that used to sit in the back of the class in high school with his guitar and wrote “rawr XD” all over his books.
Jared and Leah are roasting marshmallows; Jared continuously begins to roast Leah as he admits to her that he wants to spend more time with Rachel than her.
Megan and Thomas end up going for a swim and it ends up getting heated as they eat each other’s faces. How romantic. Megan doesn’t know what to do about the situation as she has found two guys that she actually likes.
We return to Paradise and Jakey the Snakey is pissed off. He’s finally getting a taste of his own medicine and we’re all secretly happy about his little blow up.