Ah another night, another broken-hearted girl.
On this week’s episode of The Bachelor ten became nine and we came one step closer to Matty J finding the love of his life in a sick, twisted game show. That is, where girls are pitted against each other to fight in a Hunger Games style arena called the Bachelor Mansion.
Michelle says at the beginning of the episode that “I can’t believe there are only 10 of us left.” That is how this monogamous relationship dating show works darl. It’s like Australian Survivor, but instead of money you get a boyfriend if you win. I think I’d rather go on Australian Survivor.
As usual Osher appears out of nowhere, wearing his old Andrew G attire and with a shiny date card in hand. The girl’s eyes pop immediately at the sight of being acknowledged by a guy who they have a one in ten chance with and who has shared saliva with almost all of them. Hope no-one had glandular fever recently.
Elora, the alluring goddess of exoticness, takes it upon herself to read the date card in that alluring accent of hers and mentions that it is a group date.
Jen pipes up after hearing it’s cooking and can’t wait to tell everyone how good she is. The only cooking we’ve seen from Jen is her cooking up some beef between her and the other girls.
We find out that the ladies going on the group date are two that haven’t been on singles: that is Elise (dark horse) and Simone (pale horse) as well as Cobie (who again?).
Michelle has another little one liner “I’m starting to think Matty doesn’t know how to spell Michelle.” I think he does hun, just wait. You’ll get your time with Matty.
For some reason the girls appear at a completely white house, dressed in all white, on an extremely bright and sunny day. Diversity is key in Matty’s eyes, as we can see from the cast.
We are then exposed to one of the weirdest family reunions ever, survivor style. There’s crying, laughing and Matty attempting to put ladies faces to parents. I was hoping he would get one wrong just to see their reaction.
The cycle of meeting the parents runs its course and we see that most of the girls are questioning their time in the mansion with Matty. Go figure, having second thoughts about dating a guy who’s dating your best friends. WHO WOULD’VE THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAPPEN.
After being told it was a cooking competition, Jen again goes into how she was in the top three on MasterChef and was robbed by Gary Mehigan for not having sautéed her chicken right. I want to hire Jen as my caterer, move over Charlene.
We go through each fam bam pair one at a time and for some reason Elise wins even though Jen made something (that I’m sure) no-one has even heard of before (a banoffee). Oh look another poorly judged cooking competition. Damn you Network Ten.
Elise wins some one-on-one time with Matty, they joke about that one time they went fishing without the fish and she gets a rose from the bachie with a missed kiss opportunity. Yay for Elise! No chance of getting mono yet!
The next day roles over and so do my eyes as Matty rocks up with
another Bachelorette a camel to pick up a lucky gal to ride on.
He locks eyes with Tara, makes fun of her bike riding capabilities and off they go to a mystical land of moroccan tea and belly dancing.
Matty and Tara get taught by a Shakira impersonator, professional snake charmer and belly dancer how to shake their hips to the real Shakira’s ‘Hips don’t lie’.
Tara and Matty have a good chat about how attractive she is and how happy he is to know that she loves her family. They speak more about how attracted they are to each other and a clip roles of Tara slapping Matty’s bum. This is on a 7:30pm time slot yeah?
Tara doesn’t really get to speak that much as Matty starts eating her face after giving her a
gold star rose to symbolise she’s staying another week. Add that one to the pile Tara! You’re gonna be staying for a while.
Tara’s new nickname: The Matty J Charmer.
Cocktail party time!!!
As we all know, Jen is the
biggest #$%^ best cook in the house so she got a little time with Matty at the cocktail party as she created some desserts just for him.
I don’t know why but this scene reminded me a lot of the Hansel and Gretel story with Matty as Hansel. Jen was luring an unsuspecting boy (Matty) with desserts and treats into her
trap home. Eventually, she would fatten him up enough to then devour him and his sister.
See the resemblance?
Jen shows some vulnerability by Matty literally pulling teeth out of her mouth but comes off as being cocky yada yada yada bleh. At least the dessert looked nice.
The obligatory whittling down ceremony: one-by-one they kiss the same cheek and are given another rose to add to their collection of regret when their dream boyfriend doesn’t propose with another rose.
We’re left with exotic amazon woman Elouera and the police officer, uhh. Mishell?
Looks like Michelle was right, Matty can’t spell her name.
Catch the Bachelor, Wednesdays and Thursdays at 7:30pm on Network Ten.