As week two of the Bachelor rolls around and the women, being exceptionally reasonable, continue to complain about Alex using her white rose, it’s beginning to dawn on me that I don’t like any of these people and my viewing partner, Mum, doesn’t like Richie. This is going to be a looonnngggg season…
The not-at-all petty bitching about the great depths of Alex’s betrayal probably would have lasted until the end of time itself were it not for the arrival of the date card. The girls are looking at it like I look at chocolate, and I’m pretty sure I just saw Keira legit drool.
Predictably, there’s a 2 minute shot of every woman in the house individually saying that they really hope they get it and it begins to dawn on me that these may be the most boring women in existence. All I want in my reality TV is Heather :'(
It’s a single date for Megan! All the other women are just THRILLED!
Bachie says that “when I first met Megan, she told me that she loves the water, so I knew she’d be perfect for this.” And what is this? This is a picnic lunch suspended over the windiest cliff in existence, on what looks like a freezing day. Makes sense to me!
The two rise into the air, on their terrifying platform of death defying doom (romantic, no?) and toy a bit with their own mortality. As they step on the edge of the platform together, imitating Titanic, I wonder if Richie is actually part of some sort of death cult. I bet he packed koolaid in that picnic…
Miraculously surviving (natural selection, pick up yo game, son), Richie and Megan make their way up to a cute old house where they get very close and cosy. Feeling the time is right, Richie whips it out, and Megan is delighted! She accepts her rose (god, what were YOU thinking it was?) and then the two lean in for a kiss and then I PHYSICALLY CRINGE AS SHE ACCIDENTALLY DODGES HIS KISS FOR A CHEEK PECK.
WHY YOU DO THIS TO MY SOUL?!
To make matters worse, they both comment on it. Everyone noticed. I’m dead.
But, getting right back on that horse, Richie goes in for a second smooch and this time they make contact. It’s basically as stressful and technical as that spinning docking scene from Interstellar.
Back at the mansion, Keira is uncharacteristically in a good mood, which can only be a terrible, terrible omen. Oh no wait, she’s just already read the date card in her hands and is ready to rub the information in the girls’ faces.
Attending this one is Rachael, Alex, Nikki, Sasha, Marja, Janey, Kiki (“not too sure if this girl is ready for another date,” keira chimes in. Thanks