Now and again, the dregs of the university faculty decide hang your education on being able to communicate, plan, and effectively deal with people that you’ve mostly never met, nor would have ever considered meeting before.

You know the situation: forced to meet them on a weekly basis, assigning work to each other when you’d rather be at uni bar. Maybe there’s an overly driven HD student, a lacklustre credit student, an international student that has to struggle with both the language barrier and the work itself. Maybe no one in the group has passed a subject yet. Maybe they’ve all passed their other subjects with ease, counting themselves in the higher echelons of their course rankings.

No matter what, and despite your level of actual competency, it is always best to prepare to at least look like you’re a capable team member.

How? I thought you’d ask.

• Bring a notepad to your group meeting, accompanied with pen. Click pen often to ensure they know you’re actively involved.
• Agree with the team leader, even on controversial topics.
• Learn how to say ‘Hi’, ‘Bye’, ‘Beer?’ and ‘What was that?’ in whatever language your international student speaks.
• Get a temporary ‘Study Is Life’ tattoo on your neck.
• Get a permanent ‘Study Is Life’ tattoo on your neck.
• Photoshop ATAR result, show them the doctored results, and from that moment henceforth only talk to people with ATAR results on par or higher than yours. Let the others know they don’t deserve your gaze, let alone your time or acknowledgement of presence.
• Contract the flu and still turn up to group meetings. This shows your conviction in the face of struggle — hopefully mirroring the actions of your white blood cells.
• Bring your own office chair to the group meetings, because you care about an ergonomic workplace.
• Wear glasses, even if your eyesight is fine.
• Answer questions directed at you with another question. For example, if the team leader asks you, “Did you finish your task?” immediately say, “Why would you ask me that question?”
• Sometime during the meeting, get out your prayer beads and begin a dozen ‘Our Father’s.’ When asked what you’re doing, say that you’re “praying for academic wisdom.” Throw in a couple ‘Hail Mary’s’ for good measure.
• Become the group scribe and write incredibly detailed notes about each meeting. They should be in-depth enough to account for what each group member was wearing, their facial expressions at any given moment, how many words they spoke during the session, and even an opinion piece on each member.
• Skip your grandmother’s funeral just so that you can prepare for the next session, a mere week away.
• Only eat food that starts with a H or a D. For example, Hummus, Dragonfruit, or Hokkien D(noodles).
• Threaten to brand the resulting assignment grade on the ass of each member unless the grade is a HD. When they laugh, thinking that you’re joking, pull the blowtorch and brand from your bag.

If you were inspired by this list, have any more suggestions or ass brandings, let us know in the comments below.