I never thought it would come to this but, I actually MISS Clare and Jono. What am I doing with my life?
The episode opens with a sort of ‘Where are they now?’ type thing in which the two are still single and Clare says “hopefully I’ll find love …worst case scenario I’ll foster 80 foster dogs.” I hear that, sister!
After the clusterfuck of last episode, this one was far tamer although there was a LOT of crying (which made my inner drama queen VERY happy). With the couples now together for three weeks, they’re basically old hands at this whole ‘relationship’ thing so it’s time for the final stage. It’s time to meet the parents.
But first, let’s watch as the couples’ relationships dissolve further.
After feeling very smug about their relationship compared to the train wreck that was Jono and Clare, Christie and Mark begin their 7 hour trek back from the dinner. As each second passes on their road trip on the Highway to Hell (I mean, Mark’s farm. I’m sure it’s very nice), Christie does a horror movie transformation, possessed by an oily haired, cranky demon! And she unleashes the beast!
“Look at us now. Do we look like we’re enjoying each other’s company?” Errr, this is one of those rhetorical questions, isn’t it Christie? “I’m fucking fuming.”
Yea, I thought it probably was.
It’s not looking too good for the two as they stomp off to bed and Mark leaves on a sour note: “Yea, this is definitely gonna break us. 100%.” Jesus Mark, spoilers much?
Simone and Xavier aren’t up to much: no surprises there really. Simone is still bummed out that every day of their relationship isn’t just as electric as their honeymoon, because that’s realistic. In the real world, where the two have jobs and have the capacity to get tired, it seems that all Xavier wants to do it chill out and watch some soccer, aye.
Unfortunately, just as many men have had to compete with the anime I watch, if you’re going to date a sporty person be prepared to deal with their sport watching obsession. This doesn’t fly with Simone, and I will admit it would be pretty shitty to make someone dinner only for them to ignore you for the soccer, but Simone decides and ultimatum is in order: it’s her or the soccer. Xavier chooses the soccer.
Following dinner, Simone broaches a hot button issue once again: romance. Simone wants to go out this weekend, but you can’t tie a man like Xavier down! “I just need a couple of hours during the weekend to catch up on things I can’t do during the week.” He’s literally been ignoring her the whole week.
This isn’t the first time dating, or the lack of
it, has come up for the two and last week, to satiate Simone, Xavier promised her a super fun special surprise for the start of the week …and then promptly forgot about it. When called out on his bullshit, Xavier makes this masterful save “maybe I do have stuff planned, but maybe I want to keep it a surprise.” Yea, you just keep waiting for that surprise Simone.
Definitely the worst part of this relationship, though, is the fact that Xavier calls Simone “babe”. Not only that, but he proceeds to whine it out every three seconds. And that affects me, the viewer, and my experience!
There’s not much to say on Erin and Bryce, except to note that Erin lucked the fuck out. He makes her surprise birthday breakfast with cakes and presents, he kills moths for her, how was this man single?!
Also, their wedding photos come and it’s pretty fucking adorable <3
…I’m way too invested in this couple
Meanwhile, Christie has decided to try to domesticate her Mark and treks him up to Sydney, to be with all them civilised folks and such. It’s basically Babe: Pig in the City.
Christie has an AMAZING apartment with awesome views of the city, and I find it hard to believe she’s living there on solely her cleaning business (can you say, Maltese Mafia?). Mark hates it.
Now they meet the in-laws …again.
They already met them at the wedding, but for some reason the show is really amping it up. The love expert tells us that “when the couples meet the in-laws their brains will be on high alert, making them hyper sensitive,” and creating hyper drama and hyper good ratings; now I understand.
First up, it’s Xavier, meeting Simone’s inappropriately involved mother, Robyn. Robyn, wasting no time on social protocol, quizzes them on everything from the details of the couple’s current sleeping arrangements to Xavier’s on-the-younger-side age. Simone slows shakes her head no in helpless desperation. It’s too late, Simone.
“Simone’s so close to her mum that I’m almost dating her mum as well,” remarks Xavier. I mean, this is definitely unhealthy, but if you’re going to be dating her as well at least Robyn’s a BIT of a MILF.
Following dinner, I get a severe case of deja vu as Robyn takes the place of Simone in the couple’s usual fight. Someone dobbed to mummy. Robyn asks Xavier point blank what dates he’s planning and Xavier acts like this is all new to him. “If she gives me a hint that’s fine … I’m not a mind reader.” R U SRS RITE NOW X?!
Everything starts off quite well for Erin as she meets Bryce’s parents – his dad is cracking inappropriate “one night stand” sex jokes and all is going smoothly.
a shoe shopping trip ends in disaster. You see, while Erin is checking out the stilettos in aisle 3, Bryce’s mum is going GRANDBABY SHOPPING!
When asked about her immediate baby plans, Erin, the 26 year old who has known her husband for three weeks, tries dodging the question, giving non-committal “maybe in the future” answers and praying for this all to end.
This does not satisfy Bryce’s mum who, with an absolutely plastered on fake smile, lets out the most passive aggressive “ahhh. Okay.” In her mind you just know all she’s screaming is “NOM NOM GIVE ME GRANDCHILDREN!!!”
And as if that wasn’t awkward enough, when Erin brings up this waking nightmare to Bryce, he mentions that he really wants kids, while Erin says she wants to travel. HOW DID YOU GUYS NOT DISCUSS THIS SOONER?!
My couple icons were crumbling as false idols. Could this break them up?
In a personal message to the camera, away from Bryce, Erin sounds far more set on a no kids path, spelling problems for Berycein: “it’s just not gonna happen, at least anytime soon . And to be totally honest, if I never had kids I would be ok with that.”
So we have a couple who lives 7 hours away from each other, a couple who have completely different time commitment needs and a couples who are disagreed on having children.
Oh trust me, @sparkle723, they definitely were, and that’s exactly why they put them together. Now that Channel 9 has sufficiently plugged the drama out of these “poorly planned” situations, the real question is: will ANYBODY be staying together?
Next week: experiment over!